the blahs

I think I've got the February blues.  It's not even really winter.  I decided that I wouldn't push myself to get things done today and emailed my prof that I probably won't be in class since I got home last night and wasn't feeling very well.  I'm not really sick, just terribly brain drained.  I don't have the energy to forge ahead.  So the question is, am I being lazy, wimping out?

Or is this the smarter thing to do.  Am I simply listening to my body and actually heeding what's going on before I plunge back into anxiety?  I'm telling myself this is the case, because somehow this makes it okay to back out of the day for now.

I've been thinking so much...about teaching - Am I doing well?  How does my colleague see me?  How do I earn respect of parents?  About the wedding - gotta get those invitations out!  About my courses - must keep up, must read and think about a thesis, must meet with that prof.  About my own repertoire - Am I done performing?  Am I still cut out for that? I get nervous in front of crowds.  Am I a good accompanist?  I don't ever conclude negatively in answer to these questions.  I think I've learned to be honest and accepting, pinpointing the strengths and the weaknesses.  I think this takes work for me, and a conscious effort not to plunge into extremes of thought and emotion. The result is a tiredness.  I'm not physically ill, and I'm mentally tired.

Surely, that has to be a good reason to take a break.

telling myself it's okay

Once again, I find myself wishing I were more vocal in class, feeling that I have ideas that count for something, but I hesitate...am I wrong? What if I am?  I should really think about this. 

There's someone in my class that is just so good at articulating bright ideas succinctly, without any fear of being challenged.  I'm exactly the opposite.  I'm better now, I say more, but I continue to wonder where my motivations lie.  Do I speak to challenge? To bring up a point for discussion?  Or do I do it out of an expectation?  And this is the crux...What do I really want to do here?  Speak, think, stay silent.  Do I want my thoughts verified, validated? Do I want to seem smart?  Do I just want to contribute?  I really don't know.  It's probably a mix of all of these. But speaking out is still something that goes against so much of my personality.  I like to think and write, and only when comfortable, speak.  I realize that I have a voice and an opportunity, and it feels like shirking obligation not to use it.  But I also feel that there is pressure most people don't realize they are placing on those of us who are naturally introverted, or simply different in social situations.  That more vocal people are privileged by nature of being most readily heard and therefore seen.  And we're not always good at making the quieter ones more comfortable, and I don't blame anyone for that---it's hard to know how to respond to near silence.

So...do I accept who I am and simply take my time until I feel comfortable and ready?  Or, do I push to be heard and seen---and what for, anyway?  Do I disadvantage anyone by my silence?  Or maybe I disadvantage people by forcing something that doesn't feel right? And yet I have come so far by being just what I am, so where do I go from here?

Teaching Dissonances

I've been really lucky recently. I've had new music opportunities come up that I've never expected, one of which is the opportunity to teach an adult student who has experience in composition, but not much formal training. I gather that this student will not want the usual conservatory style approach with it's emphasis on a canon and technique. It makes me wonder if I'm up to the challenge of organizing a very different form of music teaching --- one that is more collaborative, rather than a top-down, expert-student setup.

And I do think I'm up for it, though I'm a bit scared. What would happen if I were no longer to present myself as The Teacher. To me this signals a loss of control. The potential to be overridden due to some perceived inexperience on my part. I'm okay with being wrong, but if because someone doesn't think I know what I'm talking about, it's a whole other issue. But what's so bad about not knowing, anyway? It would mean that I'm open to possibilities, open to seeing what someone else's exercise of power and authority might be like.

I've always been a quiet person, painfully aware that there is an expectation that I speak and contribute. It has always been a challenge for me to feel that I don't want to speak and yet am being pushed to do so. To not speak has been pinpointed with a negative connotation. I am seen as less assertive, and maybe accepting to the point of submission. I worry that if I abandon the role of The Teacher, that I might be seen as a fraud, rather than as a facilitator.

I suppose that being open only works if the potential "receiver" of openness wants it, and is equally open to something unknown or undetermined.

Grad School Dissonances

I cannot believe how long it has been! I've now lost all my old readers, no doubt. What can I say...life has been busy and I guess I haven't had the need to expres myself anonymously. But somehow today, I feel like it.

Yes, I'm in grad school. In a PhD program and it's an interesting thing. I absolutely hate class discussion, but now find myself interjecting. Just today, though I had 2 instances of opposing opinions to what I said. And I didn't offer any further explanation for my original opinion. I don't like making rebuttals. It's already one thing for me to have progressed so far as to speak without overthinking what I'm going to say. Now I am faced with disagreement, which is why I like to overthink in the first place---so I can work out all the possible sides before opening my mouth.

I also realize that part of the problem is that somewhere ingrained in me is a need to have the right answer---get the perfect mark. Though I know this isn't healthy. It's taking so much effort to undo in my own actions.

Okay. That's all for now as I've gotta go get my practice room.

P.S. I never changed my background, and yet my blog has a new one. What the hell?

untitled

sometimes, i wonder if there is an apology in your love
and whether there is a conqueror in mine
i don't always know who i am or my place
and i may never know how this has come to be
perhaps only where i go from here

all in almost a year

Hi hi! Probably no one reads this blog anymore. I can't blame you. I've taken the longest hiatus ever. I didn't mean to do it.

There have been many, many changes, though subtle ones. I'm definitely less stressed out, though it seems my penchant for thinking the worst is hanging around. I became programmed to think 'liability' and to prevent it, so I can feel my brain's propensity for it. It's gonna be hard to break. But seriously, I've definitely made some big and positive changes in my life.

I still live with...was I calling him B? In our lovely home. Still 2 boxes left unpacked, but mostly, it's all set up.

My new job was wonderful, though I was bored out of my mind at times. I did discover that I do enjoy responsibility because being people's bitch, no matter how courteous they are, is just not my cup of tea. I like making big decisions (even though deciding what to have for dinner is a chore), and I like people asking for my opinion.

This job ended today, though. I'm going to grad school! Wheee!! Who knows where this new phase will take me. I'm really proud of myself. I didn't think I'd get in with so little time to prepare, but here I am.

What else...2 of my best friends have gotten married, and I've attended 7 weddings in less than two years. Yeesh. I am, however, still without a rock. To be honest, I'm happy where I am. Before getting into grad school, I most definitely did not even think of marriage or children. Though once, in my decision-making about grad school, I said to B, "Hmmm..well, I guess I also want kids". "I did wonder if you want that", he said. I was surprised he didn't think I really thought of it. Turns out he's thought of it. I told him he really should've just out and asked me about it. It made me feel right about deciding to go ahead and get the MA. I forgot that I do want kids someday. But I feel so good knowing that the priority has always been me and my goals, unrelated to a partner, or to children. Well, maybe there was this one time...but in the end, I feel it led me to B, so...

Now that I do feel like the career's on the right path, I'll tell you secretly, that I have started to think more about family. I sense myself being better prepared but not before another couple of years.

So what else about me? I got my hair cut. Chopped it right off! Great feeling. B notices that I'm happier. I do feel excitement creeping back into me after being so stressed out for a couple of years.

Seriously, if you're ever so stressed that you stop looking forward to life, make the positive change, or at least work toward it.

It feels very different coming back to this blog now. I feel less dramatic, less closed in by my own sadness.

What else...I went to Chicago. Mostly I practiced like crazy for months so I could get into grad school. That was my life for a year--- work full-time, then dinner and some dishes, then practice. No greater adventure than this.

So here I am, in my humble, cozy home. Happy to be older and more content.

finally home

I'm all settled in, well almost, 3 boxes to go.

We have this miracle of a home. We currently feel like the happiest people in the world. We got such a great deal on a house rental, it's crazy! No neighbours to worry about...seriously, I don't understand how it is that we got so lucky. Rent's $625 each + utilities. It's such a crazy steal.

I thought my parents would just die if they ever even heard the suggestion that we'd live together. Surprisingly, the most that I got was a heave of breath from my mom. I had been bracing myself for no-speaking-for-months, anger at him for influencing me, admonitions about sin. But no, my family loves the place.

Just goes to show you that sometimes, you can underestimate the understanding of your parents.

Now if only I can get hyped to play piano. I need a push if I'm going to make it into this Masters. I need to practice my ass off. But, for example, I mopped the floor and did dishes tonight. Yes, these are necessary, but I could've left them for him; or left them for tomorrow.

My mind is new to this scene of peace, which is perhaps why I'm slow to push myself into a tizzy once again. My mind leaps forward to anticipate some catastrophe where there is none. Sometimes, I hear a preemptive frequency that signals an emergency call and my heart moves forward in my chest. It's amazing what years of being alert for the worst does to your brain, amazing the deprogramming of muscles that must take place.

This is a much needed change for me, I realize even more. I had become anxious, looping my own fatalistic thoughts. I was tired all the time. I couldn't enjoy anything. And now I can take my time---where am I rushing to anyway?

It's funny thinking back to the anguish in my earliest posts. I couldn't have pictured this seeming perfection. I know the grief may come again (though I'm trying not to think the worst), but I vow to take the time to enjoy this.

Peace and love and freedom.