gee, ain't that odd?!

telling myself it's okay

2011-11-23T15:33:00.001-05:00

Once again, I find myself wishing I were more vocal in class, feeling that I have ideas that count for something, but I hesitate...am I wrong? What if I am? I should really think about this.

There's someone in my class that is just so good at articulating bright ideas succinctly, without any fear of being challenged. I'm exactly the opposite. I'm better now, I say more, but I continue to wonder where my motivations lie. Do I speak to challenge? To bring up a point for discussion? Or do I do it out of an expectation? And this is the crux...What do I really want to do here? Speak, think, stay silent. Do I want my thoughts verified, validated? Do I want to seem smart? Do I just want to contribute? I really don't know. It's probably a mix of all of these. But speaking out is still something that goes against so much of my personality. I like to think and write, and only when comfortable, speak. I realize that I have a voice and an opportunity, and it feels like shirking obligation not to use it. But I also feel that there is pressure most people don't realize they are placing on those of us who are naturally introverted, or simply different in social situations. That more vocal people are privileged by nature of being most readily heard and therefore seen. And we're not always good at making the quieter ones more comfortable, and I don't blame anyone for that---it's hard to know how to respond to near silence.

So...do I accept who I am and simply take my time until I feel comfortable and ready? Or, do I push to be heard and seen---and what for, anyway? Do I disadvantage anyone by my silence? Or maybe I disadvantage people by forcing something that doesn't feel right? And yet I have come so far by being just what I am, so where do I go from here?

Teaching Dissonances

2011-11-22T13:05:00.001-05:00

I've been really lucky recently. I've had new music opportunities come up that I've never expected, one of which is the opportunity to teach an adult student who has experience in composition, but not much formal training. I gather that this student will not want the usual conservatory style approach with it's emphasis on a canon and technique. It makes me wonder if I'm up to the challenge of organizing a very different form of music teaching --- one that is more collaborative, rather than a top-down, expert-student setup.

And I do think I'm up for it, though I'm a bit scared. What would happen if I were no longer to present myself as The Teacher. To me this signals a loss of control. The potential to be overridden due to some perceived inexperience on my part. I'm okay with being wrong, but if because someone doesn't think I know what I'm talking about, it's a whole other issue. But what's so bad about not knowing, anyway? It would mean that I'm open to possibilities, open to seeing what someone else's exercise of power and authority might be like.

I've always been a quiet person, painfully aware that there is an expectation that I speak and contribute. It has always been a challenge for me to feel that I don't want to speak and yet am being pushed to do so. To not speak has been pinpointed with a negative connotation. I am seen as less assertive, and maybe accepting to the point of submission. I worry that if I abandon the role of The Teacher, that I might be seen as a fraud, rather than as a facilitator.

I suppose that being open only works if the potential "receiver" of openness wants it, and is equally open to something unknown or undetermined.

Grad School Dissonances

2011-11-17T13:24:00.004-05:00

I cannot believe how long it has been! I've now lost all my old readers, no doubt. What can I say...life has been busy and I guess I haven't had the need to expres myself anonymously. But somehow today, I feel like it.

Yes, I'm in grad school. In a PhD program and it's an interesting thing. I absolutely hate class discussion, but now find myself interjecting. Just today, though I had 2 instances of opposing opinions to what I said. And I didn't offer any further explanation for my original opinion. I don't like making rebuttals. It's already one thing for me to have progressed so far as to speak without overthinking what I'm going to say. Now I am faced with disagreement, which is why I like to overthink in the first place---so I can work out all the possible sides before opening my mouth.

I also realize that part of the problem is that somewhere ingrained in me is a need to have the right answer---get the perfect mark. Though I know this isn't healthy. It's taking so much effort to undo in my own actions.

Okay. That's all for now as I've gotta go get my practice room.

P.S. I never changed my background, and yet my blog has a new one. What the hell?

untitled

2009-11-27T16:52:00.003-05:00

sometimes, i wonder if there is an apology in your love
and whether there is a conqueror in mine
i don't always know who i am or my place
and i may never know how this has come to be
perhaps only where i go from here

all in almost a year

2009-08-28T20:04:00.002-04:00

Hi hi! Probably no one reads this blog anymore. I can't blame you. I've taken the longest hiatus ever. I didn't mean to do it.

There have been many, many changes, though subtle ones. I'm definitely less stressed out, though it seems my penchant for thinking the worst is hanging around. I became programmed to think 'liability' and to prevent it, so I can feel my brain's propensity for it. It's gonna be hard to break. But seriously, I've definitely made some big and positive changes in my life.

I still live with...was I calling him B? In our lovely home. Still 2 boxes left unpacked, but mostly, it's all set up.

My new job was wonderful, though I was bored out of my mind at times. I did discover that I do enjoy responsibility because being people's bitch, no matter how courteous they are, is just not my cup of tea. I like making big decisions (even though deciding what to have for dinner is a chore), and I like people asking for my opinion.

This job ended today, though. I'm going to grad school! Wheee!! Who knows where this new phase will take me. I'm really proud of myself. I didn't think I'd get in with so little time to prepare, but here I am.

What else...2 of my best friends have gotten married, and I've attended 7 weddings in less than two years. Yeesh. I am, however, still without a rock. To be honest, I'm happy where I am. Before getting into grad school, I most definitely did not even think of marriage or children. Though once, in my decision-making about grad school, I said to B, "Hmmm..well, I guess I also want kids". "I did wonder if you want that", he said. I was surprised he didn't think I really thought of it. Turns out he's thought of it. I told him he really should've just out and asked me about it. It made me feel right about deciding to go ahead and get the MA. I forgot that I do want kids someday. But I feel so good knowing that the priority has always been me and my goals, unrelated to a partner, or to children. Well, maybe there was this one time...but in the end, I feel it led me to B, so...

Now that I do feel like the career's on the right path, I'll tell you secretly, that I have started to think more about family. I sense myself being better prepared but not before another couple of years.

So what else about me? I got my hair cut. Chopped it right off! Great feeling. B notices that I'm happier. I do feel excitement creeping back into me after being so stressed out for a couple of years.

Seriously, if you're ever so stressed that you stop looking forward to life, make the positive change, or at least work toward it.

It feels very different coming back to this blog now. I feel less dramatic, less closed in by my own sadness.

What else...I went to Chicago. Mostly I practiced like crazy for months so I could get into grad school. That was my life for a year--- work full-time, then dinner and some dishes, then practice. No greater adventure than this.

So here I am, in my humble, cozy home. Happy to be older and more content.

finally home

2008-09-17T21:26:00.005-04:00

I'm all settled in, well almost, 3 boxes to go.

We have this miracle of a home. We currently feel like the happiest people in the world. We got such a great deal on a house rental, it's crazy! No neighbours to worry about...seriously, I don't understand how it is that we got so lucky. Rent's $625 each + utilities. It's such a crazy steal.

I thought my parents would just die if they ever even heard the suggestion that we'd live together. Surprisingly, the most that I got was a heave of breath from my mom. I had been bracing myself for no-speaking-for-months, anger at him for influencing me, admonitions about sin. But no, my family loves the place.

Just goes to show you that sometimes, you can underestimate the understanding of your parents.

Now if only I can get hyped to play piano. I need a push if I'm going to make it into this Masters. I need to practice my ass off. But, for example, I mopped the floor and did dishes tonight. Yes, these are necessary, but I could've left them for him; or left them for tomorrow.

My mind is new to this scene of peace, which is perhaps why I'm slow to push myself into a tizzy once again. My mind leaps forward to anticipate some catastrophe where there is none. Sometimes, I hear a preemptive frequency that signals an emergency call and my heart moves forward in my chest. It's amazing what years of being alert for the worst does to your brain, amazing the deprogramming of muscles that must take place.

This is a much needed change for me, I realize even more. I had become anxious, looping my own fatalistic thoughts. I was tired all the time. I couldn't enjoy anything. And now I can take my time---where am I rushing to anyway?

It's funny thinking back to the anguish in my earliest posts. I couldn't have pictured this seeming perfection. I know the grief may come again (though I'm trying not to think the worst), but I vow to take the time to enjoy this.

Peace and love and freedom.

packing it in

2008-07-12T16:10:00.003-04:00

...and up!

My last day of work was yesterday and my new job starts on Monday. I have moments when the reality of how great my life is hits me, when I think that really, I own the world. Leaving this job has left me with a healthy sense of my accomplishments, and of the fact that people actually did appreciate what I did for them; and beyond that, who I am. I have people really wanting me to have a house warming party so they could come and associate with me. Me! I didn't think I had extended myself enough for people to even care who I really am. I've written of some very dark moments in this blog. Many of those moments, I experienced here. I often thought that I was no longer myself, that I had grown tired of people, and I felt myself apologizing silently for not being better.

Whether I've grown so accustomed to pretending, or if people just forgave me for being human once in a while...I don't even know. But I feel truly blessed to be where I am right now. Sometimes, it's still not easy. I still second-guess myself, and I can scare myself sometimes, with thoughts of failure, and how fragile everything really is. We're all hanging on a thread, whether we know it or not...just look at all these people I've talked to, just like you and me, so "normal", and yet so broken. To me, nothing separates us but a moment of control that could slip away at any time. But the point is that sometimes, I'm still really scared that this will crash on me. This time, though, I'm taking the time to relish it.

I have been so touched by everyone's words of appreciation and the time they have taken to make my farewell party amazing. I can't get over it!! It makes me think I'm a pretty darn great person! Wow!!

Anyway, after getting sucked into watching The Two Coreys (I swear, TV is evil), I'm back to packing up. It's funny, I'm just taking things off walls and not even doing the usual one-last-look. I guess I'm really ready for the next thing!

And now Britney Spears is playing on Winamp, ooooh yeah, "get it, get it, (deep breathing), ....I'm a slaaaave for you...."

next chapter

2008-07-01T00:11:00.004-04:00

B and I are moving in together. I've finally switched jobs to hopefully give me a fuller, less hectic life. We'll be building a beautiful life in a small house...we got a house in the city for such an awesome deal! There were rainbows along the way, literally. Sure, it's because we were having quite a bout of rain at the time, so one could say it's all coincidence, but I tend to see them as signs---signs that something better was coming up.

I usually see signs for the worse, so this time, I'll take them for the best. It'll be quiet. I'll play and he'll write. I look forward to my mind's rest and to deep breaths.

At first I didn't think my parents would like this whole arrangement too much. They're the conservative types. But, (and this is why the rainbows must have been a sign of divine intervention) they're all good with it. Me! Living with a boy that I'm not married to. My mind is blown.

I was stroking his face and hair while he lay on my lap. And I told him that I was glad I wrote that letter 3 years ago now. Wow! Three years ago. Such anguish and anxiety accompanied that letter. But I did know this could be really good and I'm glad I told him so.

And now I'm sleepy. In a way it's difficult to continue to keep this blog secret as I have to try and sneak time to do it, leading to fewer posts these days. Actually, no...it's because I've been busy living and not feeling like writing about it. Weird. But I'll keep coming back to this, I know it. For now, sweet dreams.

clarity of memory

2008-02-17T15:42:00.002-05:00

So strange, but this morning, lying in bed and closing my eyes, I remember in detail our old house...textures and everything. It was so vivid that it was an effort for me to think of the layout of our current house.

I suppose it's because I really did spend more time there than here, as my mom pointed out. It's apparent to me that she sees it as a bit of a disappointment. She had this vision that this new house would be one in which I spend a lot of time, but I went away to university, so timing wasn't right. I wonder if this is the source of some regret that she somehow blames herself for. Then, I feel anger because somehow this disappointment is directed at me.

The fact that I didn't want to wait until I was married to move out because of the rules of the house has been difficult to explain. And it's more than just the rules. She also keeps wanting me to come back, or at least this was a very evident goal for a long time that I can't even take any gestures of help as sincere.

For some reason, every time I come home, I feel some kind of anger. And today, I realize that I am mad at my mom. Or maybe frustrated that I can do nothing to change her mind that she's not to blame for creating rules that I hated and rebelled against. She believed she was doing her best. My dad was behind these rules, too. And I'm angry for her making me feel like I have to assure her she's not to blame. She's constantly trying to make it up by serving us all, though we don't need it. I realize now that this is why I push her away when I can see all she wants is to make conversation and see what's up. She gets pretty excited to have me around. But somehow, I want her to get it through her head that she can stop trying to please me and make me feel loved, because I already know I'm loved and I was raised well. But no matter what, I'm never going to live here again. I chose my life the only sure way I knew.

I hate feeling angry, and as I become even more self-aware, perhaps to my detriment, I've been searching for the source of it. I always figure that if I can get to the root, I can deal with it or accept it. And today, as these thoughts took shape I got more and more worked up. And I realized they were true.

And so it is that we hurt most the ones we love.

ouch! my hip!

2008-01-30T23:47:00.000-05:00

I must seriously be getting old, because my right hip area hurts. When I sit in a chair for too long, my lower back hurts. Now, I know people younger than me experience this, like my brother and my boyfriend, but I have never, ever, ever, been in pain from doing everyday things. My doctor says my constant headaches can also be caused by my body changing, nay, aging. Yeesh!

Sleepy now, but wishing to write. I think I have to start not thinking of the worst case scenario. I need to practice taking things as they come. Mind you, my job makes me think through to the worst in order to prevent it from happening. It works well at determining a proactive approach, but the mind habit it creates is awful.

Since I spent so much unfruitful time on facebook, I am now tired and not able to write more. Well, maybe a few thoughts jotted down...

- life is full of uncertainties that are most exciting (which also means a bit scary)
- I never feel that I'm settled --- always in transition
- "We'll figure it out" --- sure sounds lovingly long-term! And so does, "Well, I'm sure that I love you", in response
- I still like being alone
- I marvel at the person I've become, as I am asked for my opinion by some really important people, who also believe that I could really "climb the ladder", if only I'd choose to climb.
- the hold that music has on me will always be there
- if I had more money, many things would be easier
- I wouldn't trade my dreams and simplicity of being for all the money in the world (unless I could really benefit someone I care about --- life and death sort of thing --- and only if it doesn't harm others)
- sometimes I feel lost and sometimes I think I'm pretty damn awesome --- this can happen in the span of an hour!
- I love sleep.

Good night.

impossible

2008-01-29T22:36:00.000-05:00

I can't believe anyone would even suggest that I add more duties to my job. Seriously, am I supposed to work 24/7? I work overtime a lot as it is. The operation is going so well, so why does anyone want to change it?

I do think that we're pushed and pushed and money is offered as the incentive. But money doesn't do it for me. I value balance above all, because without it, there will also be no sanity. As though a higher salary means that somehow I can do it all! I'm beginning to see how it is people end up with high paying jobs, lots of stress, and no real relationships. Then, they get trapped into thinking that their life is their work and their work is their life, so god forbid they should lose their jobs! They'll lose their lives as well. Then you get people retiring that no longer know what to do with themselves and feel useless, not even enjoying their own company.

Well, I refuse. I refuse to live for work. I refuse to create more clutter in my life that obscures what's most important...the symbiotic, strengthening relationships that I form with those that mean the most to me.

So go ahead and tell me I have to do more and offer me more money. I'll just say no and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

some time to myself

2008-01-27T00:45:00.000-05:00

I'm saddened by the lack of motivation to write these days.

What's been going on? Well, work, work, and work again. I've been doing okay, except for the occasional difficult case, emotions and all. I keep trying to tell myself that it's just a job, but it's terribly difficult cutting off anyway.

I'm afraid that one of my staff no longer thinks I care to support him in his difficulty and that he'll start acting up like he did in the beginning of the year. There's already a bit of evidence of that. I'm hoping he'll remain professional.

A great job opportunity is before me too. They really seem to want me to stay and are trying to keep me. But it's hard, when I value creativity (and sanity!) most. I could earn lots of money, wipe out my student debt, and save for some real estate. Man, I better make it or else I may regret this one. No, not true. I think this is draining me.

I'm once again at a crossroads. I sense I'm about to pick up and start a new phase in my life. It's exciting and scary, as these things usually go. Where will I live? Where will I work? Will I be successful at it? I'm gonna miss this place. It's truly my home. It's been my home for 6 years. But it's also starting to make me feel cloistered. I don't want to step out my door for fear of what I might encounter, i.e. for fear that I'll have to work when I don't want to. Despite the reminders in my head that each case is an opportunity and not merely a task, I no longer feel satisfied. Nor do I feel altruistic.

My best friend's getting married. That's another thing that's up. I'll be doing the maid of honour thing. Hope it's not too expensive, but I'm not holding my breath. It made me cry to be asked. We've know each other since we were kids, but I didn't know whether she thought of me as a best friend anymore since we're so busy these days. I'm glad she did. I love her so much and wish her all the happiness in the world!

Okay, losing steam with this post now. So, later!

a photo

2007-12-30T22:33:00.000-05:00

...that perhaps shows the blurriness of my current state.

where to go next?

2007-12-30T19:58:00.000-05:00

The new year's coming. I'm sick and am home alone while my family goes off to church. Admittedly, I feel pretty happy that I'm not hearing that priest that annoys the hell out of me with his absolutes.

I'm scared of going back to work. At the beginning of the new school year, I didn't think I'd mentally and spiritually make it this far. I wasn't sure I could handle the stress of the unexpected crises. But there I found myself, 3 times, in periods of varying length, in their midst. I amaze myself. This ability to hold my own in a situation I didn't create, while helping people is truly a gift. But lately, I have come to resent that this is my job. That I have to be the person that tells someone that it's time they took a long hard look at themselves so that they don't crash. It takes a lot of energy, doing this in a way that is neutral, that holds emotion back so as to present the most objective, unhurtful way of telling someone that they're just plain screwed up right now and that they have to fix it or stop making life hell for those around them.

There are times when I applaud myself for the help I can give to others. I am blessed with the gift to be able to extend a hand to those in utter misery, whether they know it or not. But I wonder what it's doing to me. I've said this before here, in some way or other, I'm sure. Sometimes, I feel a surge of emotion I can't even name...like all the emotions I've kept in check have percolated into a mush I can't squeeze out.

I need a break from this line of work. I think I can see it through another few months. I kind of feel bad because I've never quit anything, though I don't quite think of this as giving up. It has never been my priority, career-wise, so I do see this as a time for me to move on to something that I really truly want to do.

I just got the news that B isn't coming here for new years. Ugh! I'm more and more not becoming a fan of the New Year's Eve. You see, traditionally, it's spent with family. So I've never been allowed to go out with friends. I could choose to just go now, but I know it will not make the night good for my parents. They'll feel like it's just not complete. So I'm stuck in this damned if I do, damned if I don't kind of situation. I can't entirely blame them for it, but that's the source of this push-pull of emotions I'm experiencing.

Last year, B came, and it was so much fun. But now he's chosen not to ring in the new year with me. I'm being negative...he has chosen to ring in the new year with old friends that have known him for longer than I have. I just wish that he had picked me. I have to admit that I wonder if this bodes well. The last guy never once came. I wasn't enough of a draw. So, I feel like this is the same sort of situation. But at the same time, I want him to be happy. And logically, I don't see why he should have to be here with me, with my family, just because I can't go anywhere for new year's.

So I'm sure this is just an exaggerated view, from my currently emotional state. But I wish someone would just want to ring in the new year's with me, despite how boring that might be. I know that for him it's not the idea of not choosing me, but merely the idea of spending time with friends. Nothing wrong with that. And a guy shouldn't ever have to choose between me or his friends anyway. And besides, I didn't ask him about new year's because I wanted to give him the opportunity to see his friends if he wanted. I just hate it when it makes me feel bad in the end.

All these people are getting married around us, too. And no, I don't necessarily want to get married right now, but this has made me very aware of the seed of fear that is still within me. This thought, that all relationships are never truly a sure thing. Is this just cynicism on my part? How is it that my best friend is absolutely confident that she'll be married forever? I'm starting to believe again, with B, because he sure does seem to sincerely love me, but something like this new year's thing makes me think, "See what I mean. There's never a guarantee that someone will be with you forever!"

My best friend has asked if I think he's the one. And I say 'yes'. But in the back of my head is this thought that I don't really know because I once thought that and it wasn't true at all. But sometimes I really think that this is the one, until that insidious grain of a thought cunningly reasserts itself, and I'm left once more with uncertainty.

So happy new year everyone. I usher in the new year, sick, without the guy I love with me, and with an uncertainty about how I feel about the whole thing. So happy fucking new year...here's a toast to a year of checking feelings at the door, not trying out for a Masters, and for once more not being certain of who I am in all of it.

no time to think

2007-11-12T19:27:00.000-05:00

I thought that it's been longer since I last wrote. I'm pleasantly surprised.

I've been going through a tough time with stress lately, experiencing minor anxiety attacks. It's gotten to the point where I believe I really have to take many steps back and take time for myself or else I'll crack up.

I dealt with some pretty complicated shit that left me shaky and completely worn out. On good days, this job is still very good and fulfilling, but when it's bad, it's very, very difficult. I just wonder whether it's good for me, and whether I need to turn the helping hand onto myself.

My goals are somewhat on hold because of this job and the anxiety surrounding it --- so I guess really, it's time to think about changes.

I've been thinking about something else too...about taking things off my walls that remind me of the past. I'm still not entirely opening up to the thought of the future and for no good reason. Maybe there's something to what my dad said about throwing things out. I no longer wish for the past, but perhaps reminders on my walls keep me from freeing myself of the fear that it could all go wrong.

And as much as I think I've healed, and that I'm over things, I'm beginning to wonder whether I've actually been holding myself up for longer than necessary --- because I have a hard time letting go of what I see as my history. Shouldn't I just be okay with this 'history'? If I have to put things away, doesn't that mean I'm just stashing my 'issues' for another time?

But I'm beginning to see it from another perspective. Perhaps I am over all those feelings and stunted wishes, but I can't let go of the fear if I see things over and over again that say, "Things can be so good. And then they end."

Oh heal me now.

sick

2007-10-10T12:30:00.000-04:00

That's what I am. Which means I'm home and have time to write.

It's been terribly stressful for me these past months. I'm really, really tired, and feel mentally and spiritually weak. On occasion, I feel quite shaky, dealing with crises, or trying to prevent them.

My work has trained my brain to see where pitfalls may lie. This may not seem so bad, but when the pitfalls can happen in human lives, I give so much importance to it. Perhaps more than necessary at any given time. It does feel like my brain is in overdrive, like when you're working out, and your muscles are in pain but you keep pushing just a bit more.

Well, I push because I have to. People need advise on how to deal with other people, whose lives are so very complex.

It's taking a real toll on me now though. I get sick more often and have minor anxiety attacks. Thankfully, my friends and family are really supportive, so I know I'll be fine.

Even as I sit here, surfing the net with the TV on, I have thoughts compelling me to do something productive. But today, it's not so hard for me to just tell myself to just veg.

B is so good through all this. Sometimes, I think he's too nice. And it pisses me off. Is that normal? So, I tried to figure out why this pisses me off, and I realized that it's because while I was single, I really gained strength from processing my moods and emotions. I need to feel that I can get out of this. So, I told him that and asked him not to worry if I shut the door and just want to stay there, alone, for a bit.

He's so good. So great. I want to be better for him. You know that Sarah McLaughlin song with the line, "I know I can love you much better than this"? Well, that makes me tear up. Because it's true. I need to get better for him, for my family, and most of all for myself, so I can do all these things. I need to put them first more, which I realize I don't as much, and in turn, I don't put myself first enough. Because by putting them first, it means that I'll actually hang out with my friends and call them more, which is so good for me. It means I'll go out and relax more instead of giving that up for all the tasks and duties in my day.

So, that's another resolve. And as I sit here, with my sick day, I feel it's at least possible.

a sense of purpose

2007-08-25T21:00:00.000-04:00

Last evening, a co-worker of mine passed away. He wasn't terribly old, was a big man, who lived a full and varied life. He touched many places in my home and had a fond nickname for me.

I'm looking out my window right now, at the sky that's rising through those gradations of colour that I love so much. I've got quiet time to myself right now. Tomorrow and the rest of the week will be hectic.

Just before sitting down, I felt again that gray that makes me uneasy. That sense that my life just keeps going and I go through the motions without feeling ecstasy just being alive, the way I used to.

Perhaps I simply don't understand the purpose of my life. I help people, sure. And recently, I've been told how great I am, how supportive. Why do I feel somewhat bland?

I think of how much longer I have to live sometimes, and it scares me. Because in the upcoming years, there could be so much that will hurt me. But at the same time, I love being alive. I just don't look forward to the days with excitement, but rather with the thinking that I have so much to do despite being so tired.

And I think of my friend. He's gone. Soon, he'll be ash. So quickly. A once imposing form, reduced to a bowlful of dust. And the world goes on. I think it's this way that the world can just go on that's unsettling to me. I'm glad that it does so...many others deserve the chance...but I struggle with the fact that people pass on and are forgotten; that a life that was so important is no longer noticed.

I'm not sure what to do about this feeling. I hope that I'll feel more than this soon.

the pressure of self

2007-08-11T12:49:00.000-04:00

I really wish I were more inspired to write these days.

My earlier posts, though many times dramatic, were more interesting. Though, of course in those days, I lived with nostalgia and sadness. These days, I am certainly happier.

But truthfully, I'm just way busier, and I don't have the time to ponder like I used to. And I wonder whether this somehow disturbs my spirit.

Today, for instance, I find myself quite grumpy. It started last night. I was annoyed with him and rather mad, which he noticed. I really wanted him to come to bed with me as he's been staying up late recently, due to the internet or TV. He said he'd finish his food and have the will power to turn the TV off. When he didn't do it, it annoyed me, especially because I was so tired and irritable. He gave me kisses and kisses and I responded lightly.

He knew something was wrong, but I couldn't rationally determine why I should be pissed off. I immediately regretted it. He is so nice and helpful, and always thoughtful! I turned over and caressed his back as an apology and he said, "Thank you," in a soft, sincere tone.

I talked to him about it this morning. It seems so dumb that I should want him to go to bed earlier and to stop using the internet so much. It's his life. He works hard too.

But it's hard for me to see all this "free" time when I work all day. Then, I cook and/or eat, then practice until my brain falls out. Then I'm so damn tired but I really, really want to waste time and work on photos, or something utterly useless! But this fucking nagging "good girl" in me knows better. She knows that it's best to just go to bed, get enough rest, or else the next day will be horrible and more stressful.

But this afternoon, though under duress of hunger, no doubt, I fucking just want to screw off and not think of what I should do. I want to be able to have enough free time to do whatever the hell I fucking want.

Then, I'm angry at myself for being annoyed with him, for no entirely rational reason. And I hate that I did that. I'm not supposed to be that way...who am I? His mother?

I'm supposed to be working a bit now too. Am I? No. And this "good girl" whispers that I should really get going if I want to memorize more music after work.

There's just too much. And I don't understand why I should complain. I was on vacation for a month, damn it! But here I am, back for barely a month, and already I hate the confines of time and responsibility.

I wish I had more money. Then I wouldn't have to work so hard. Then I could just work on what means most to me...music, and pondering the world around me in order to make meaning out of everything.

Perhaps I'm in a bad mood, and sometimes feeling completely bleak, because in the absence of meaning, I just wonder if this is it. For decades more, this is it. I'm happy, I'm angry, I'm stressed, and I'll just go through it without being able to process, and before I know it, it'll all be over.

visiting a grave

2007-06-02T21:25:00.000-04:00

I took long walk today at around 8 pm. I decided that it was so nice out and I haven't had a solitary walk in a while.

I breathed the city in as I haven't in months. Too bad about the drunk guy in the red shirt that said, "Hey, do you like to give massages?" Grrr...Shut the fuck up. I guess I could forgive him, hanging out with old friends who probably don't even remember him in the morning.

But the point of this story is that I took a walk down a familiar path. One that I haven't walked with intent since 2003? 2004?

What is it that made me dream of his name last night, on a sheet of paper that said, "NAME OF BOYRFRIEND:". I wrote his name down and obscured it with circular motions of my pen. He's not my boyfriend anymore. Lately, too, I've been wondering whether I'll see him on these streets.

I finally came to the old house I spent so much time in, looking happily tired and lived in, retaining cigarette and pot smoke. (I hate the smell of pot, grown stale in a room!) Someone else lives in that room now, though I can still feel the wooden floors under my feet and still have trouble lifting that window. My key probably still opens that front door, as I doubt they even bother to change the locks. I looked up at the porch were we danced the tango on a winter night and on a fresh spring day. Barbecues on the hibachi and forgotten brown bottles on the floor boards.

I wondered why I've thought of him lately. Maybe there's something happening in his life...maybe he's getting married. But it's not because I miss him, it's not for some longing. But I guess it's good to remember that it was good and real and true. So good that I'm still careful not to get carried away this time, as I recognize how much that hurt changed me and prevents me from free falling, from completely feeling the openness that comes with the world in full sun.

I once told a friend that I feel like there will always be a connection between us. So I wonder if there's something big happening now. I imagined myself bumping into him at this house.

"Hey! Good to see you", in an awkward way that tells nothing of the past.
"Hey, how are you?"
"Good. I'm so happy now and I love him. I love him so much, sometimes I think I love him more than I ever loved you. Or maybe it's just different this time."

For fear of looking like some crazy girl to the guys on the porch, I only walked by twice and headed home, picturing that room, where there was romance in abundance and a constant premonition, or maybe wonder, about whether it would last.

I wondered if this visit was a sign of a goodbye. A real and permanent goodbye and forward motion whose momentum will take me where I've never dreamed.

I tried to glimpse it one more time and thought, "Goodbye. That's the last time." I can still see the world out those windows now, but at the same time, I can imagine a future that's far, far away from it; where I'll simply remember that in that house, I stood when I was young, and was smiled at, touched, and loved by dark eyes.

Goodbye. It's done, it's gone. I think I'm falling again and not so worried anymore. I'm beginning to picture the future once more and what age looks like on this second take. I think I might just laugh everyday... laugh, a lot more than cry.

why do i play?

2007-05-02T12:56:00.000-04:00

I'm reading Bel Canto right now. And though it's not as good as it was made out to be, it certainly is a pretty well-told story, with humorous, insightful lines that remind me of Louis de Bernière.

I have just read this part about a character playing Chopin's Nocturne, Op. 2 #9. I've played that so many times that it has become as meaningless as Canon in D to me. Here was the piece though, telling a story, the pianist's touch becoming the caresses he only wishes he could give to his wife and children with love in his loneliness.

Is this why I play? Is this why I can't let it go? Is this why I feel no one really knows me until they've heard me play, in particular, play Chopin?

The greater question is, is this something I can and should base my career upon? Will I ever be satisfied with my level of playing such that I know I have told or shared a story well? Will enough people hear the story and think that it matters?

I really don't know. I tire of the thought of practicing so often at the end of long work days, work that I have always thought is transitional and simply needed to save money. Where do I have the most to give? Which route is more noble and important? I know that they are equally so. But I wonder whether I'm chasing something beyond me, that I will never really attain.

fear can get the better of you

2007-04-20T20:23:00.000-04:00

I wish that I didn't feel so afraid and insecure.

Lately, I have found myself watchful of one of my best friends and B. They just seem to click so well together. A couple of memories irk me. One, the way he hugged her one day when we all went out before we were dating. Another when we were walking together after dumplings and he came up behind her and hugged her.

Now, he's a 'huggy' sort of guy. He hugs his girl friends. I had observed this of him before with mutual friends, these cuddly hugs. Not that he 'cuddly-hugged' my best friend.

But, oh, I don't know...I remember that there was a time I was afraid that my ex really was getting along with another of my best friends, then that fear passed.

It's just an uncomfortable feeling. B has never led me to think that he doesn't love me. In fact, he reminds me of it in ways big and small everyday. My friends have always loved my boyfriends. My best friend even, lets call her D, cried when A and I broke up.

So, I think it's just me for some reason being really afraid. The ex used to bring D cookies and joke around a lot during their overlapping shifts. I didn't feel weird about that, but I did with A and E's connection one wintry night when we frolicked about.

I just think that D is great and beautiful and fun and cute. Guys just seem to gravitate toward her. I'm not sure how long I can hold B's attention sometimes. I get really tired. I'm not always up for "fun" when he wants it because it's too late at night. I do worry that he'll wonder why he puts up with it. He says I'm great all the time and kisses me and holds me more than I've ever been kissed and held. Everything is pretty much perfect (with few minor upsets that are clarified very easily!) Yet here I am, incapable of holding my head high and just enjoying it.

I wish I could completely believe his words that say I'm wonderful. I have nothing to make me doubt it. I just have this tiny thought in my head that wonders when he'll grow tired of me.

still blue

2007-03-24T23:52:00.000-04:00

I've been really run down lately. I've had a month and a half straight of work and piecing together things that people have torn apart. I'm tired.

My brain can't take anymore decision-making. I feel this tension inside. I wasn't doing so well today (That's funny I meant to say 'I was doing so well today. Interesting slip, that.). It started with a massage, lunch, a long bath, net surfing, then a piano concert.

I was walking with B and really enjoying the night. For the first time in a long time, I was all there, not with my brain tracing multiple paths in my head. I suggested that perhaps we could have a tea. He said perhaps I could call my friends to see what they're up to. But I didn't want to stay out later than I want. "So you just want a quick tea, then."

"Yup."

"I kinda want to do something, I just don't know what".

"Aww..now I feel bad. I just don't want to see people."

"That's okay. Don't feel bad. You feel bad too easily."

"Well. I didn't react the way I was supposed to. I feel mean not wanting to see anyone, but I see people everyday and have to solve their problems, whether I want to or not. I just don't want to see any more people."

"I guess that's the difference. I work alone, so I want company."

"I'd be just as happy alone. Why don't you call your friends. Call C, he called you today."

So he called C. And I immediately felt terrible for suggesting it, because what I really wanted to do was continue to hang out with him on this "date". But there it was, my own demise. And from that point on, I just wasn't as happy. I found it hard to respond to his little quips.

"So no coffee or tea then, huh?"

"No. I'd get there too late if I did."

"But you'll be late tonight anyway."

"Yeah, that's true."

I told him that wish I hadn't made the suggestions so quickly because I immediately knew that I wanted to hang out with just him. He said that he had already been thinking about hanging out with the guys anyway.

So we parted ways and he noticed a tear in my eye, which he wished wasn't there. But I said that it's okay. It's all my fault.

But I can't help feeling badly. I had the wrong idea about tonight. I thought that it was going to be just us. Though I can certainly see his side of it...our concert ended and we could do what ever we wanted. Plus I had already suggested this, adding that I'd just be as happy alone.

I wish I didn't react like the martyr. I think my mood was dampened a bit once this conversation started and it was all downhill from there.

I wish I weren't so moody, especially lately.

this little pill

2007-02-20T20:15:00.000-05:00

So here I am, wondering whether I should just go ahead and use the Pill. The last time I used it for acne, I discovered that it made me pretty depressed. I felt like crying in the middle of the work day, though my job entailed advising anyone who walked in and my desk was the first thing anyone would see. So, I stopped taking it and my emotions returned to their usual even state.

Now, I'm wondering whether I should just take the plunge. Many women have, I know. It's this new Pill I'm thinking of taking, with drospirenone. I've been doing a lot of reading about it, as I did with the previous pill, as I'm fully aware that this will be completely voluntarily taken on my part. I'm not sick and I don't need medicine. It's not like this will help my health.

Despite the risks, though I have read that they are extremely rare, unless one has a propensity for them, I find myself really wanting to take it. The way I figure it, in a few years, it will be best for me not to take the Pill. This may be the only time that I can just enjoy sex and not worry about spacing children out, or my body not being able to take it.

What's the alternative? Well, I know they're out there...IUD, the Ring, condoms., etc. I don't want to keep something in my uterus. The idea makes me uncomfortable. Condoms break, it has happened to people I know. There is no way in hell I can get pregnant.

At the same time, old, well-ingrained words from my parents and from school tell me that I need to simply have self-control (or in reality, do everything but, if you know what I mean). On the other hand, I want to know what it's like to fully experience a relationship.

In the past, I never even considered this. I would get physical, but I was too worried that I would be heartbroken and the pain would be to great if I give all I have. Now, I have been heartbroken. I still feel the effects every now and again. Regardless of what I give physically, I know I will hurt deeply. Do I really want to live my life never knowing what it's like to take someone in completely?

I used to be this person who did what was "right". It was a very rigid "right" that I held to with regard to my own conduct. I didn't think less of people who thought and did things differently, I simply knew what I would and would not do.

Here I am, grown up and making my own decisions, and it's really difficult. I liked the younger person that I was that had clearly drawn lines around her. She was happy and people always knew she would do the "right" thing.

I still like the person I am and the various facets I have discovered, and my ability to change. But, the person I am now has smudged lines about. I understand people and complications more, but it doesn't bring me closer to what I should do.

Faced with the decision to alter my body, the way it naturally works, so drastically, I'm not sure which is the right way.

I love having my period on time every month. I do not want to do anything that will jeopardize my ability to have healthy children, should that opportunity arise. The doctor assures me that I'm not predisposed to any fertility complications later on. But I do worry that so much is still unknown about the Pill, despite it being so widely and intensively studied. For example, with this pill I'm considering, one child was born with esophagial atresia, though a causal relationship with this pill is unknown. Thirteen other children were just fine, so I'm probably over-worrying. But there's always the "what if?"

So, I will keep thinking and weighing the pros and cons. One may argue that for me simply not to have sex is unrealistic. But, seriously, if you knew me, you'd know that I could do it. So the real question is whether I want to, whether I'm ready for the more intense part of this relationship. Is this worth changing my body for? Is it worth risking the adverse, though rarely experienced, effects of synthetic hormones? What am I missing here? Anything? Deep down, I know that even if I choose not to do this, my relationship will not suffer. There aren't any pressures put upon me, and yet, here I am, with a real want to experience.

There is no one else to do this for but me. The trouble is, I, too, will be fully responsible for all that happens to my body.

little girl

2007-01-07T15:00:00.000-05:00

This always happens before I leave my family home...we get snippy with each other. I realize that this is because my parents are going to miss me, especially because it usually takes some time before I go home again. So, they're sensitive, and I'm sensitive, because I know they want me to stay longer, but I can't. I hate the feeling that I'm making them less than happy.

But before leaving yesterday, I got really pissed off at my dad. You see, I don't drive very often. So, everytime there's no one else able to drive, or as soon as there's a car situation to sort out, such that someone needs to go somewhere, but obviously, I would need to drive, my dad pulls out the "but you haven't driven in a while card." We're not talking highway driving here, we're talking 10, 15 minutes in the burbs. Seriously. I'm not stupid. I haven't forgotten how to drive. I can still make judgements about whether to change lanes or not.

It really angers me because I know that someday, I will have to drive whether I like it or not, and that someday will be under the same not-driving-in-a while condition.

I don't know why that is, exactly. An outsider might say it's because girls were generally driven around in my dad's day. It is perhaps true. But part of me doesn't believe this, because both my parents have always raised me to believe that I can do absolutely anything I want, that I can achieve anything.

Basically, I don't get it. And I become so unbelievably angry sometimes that I want to punch something. Especially because there's this irrational fear that I'm going to get into an accident. Especially becuase there was never an issue with my brothers driving. Though, they say, the reason for this is because they drove my parents around as practice. I did that too, of course, while I lived at home. Then I get, "But that was a long time ago." I grit my teeth so hard, they threaten to pop out of my mouth.

Anyway, the point of all this is that, as I told my dad, I was sure glad to leave yesterday. Though we didn't have arguments throughout the holidays, the last couple of days did try my patience sometimes. There's only so much of the little girl treatment that I can take. I don't like having to wait until someone can drive me somewhere. I don't like not being able to get up and leave whenever I want (wasn't an issue this time, though). Don't like keeping my mom up until I come home. I then don't like the ensuing argument that would inevitably come up that basically suggests that I don't care that I'm making them worried and keeping them up. Man, all those reasons that let me know it was time to move out are rushing back!

But really, I loved Christmas. I love my family. And part of me didn't want to leave. My parents are so much more than the picture I've given above. I don't want to give off the wrong impression. They gave up literally everything for me and my brothers. They have shown me strength that I rarely see in the people around me. And they will always be there, no matter how much I provoke them with "unconventional, 'free-thinking' ideas". But you know what, I feel free to express these ideas, and we argue heatedly. That's what I love...They bug the hell out of me sometimes, but we give and take words with passion.

Still, I'm not a little girl anymore. Funny how they forget.

i miss Christmas

2007-01-06T19:34:00.000-05:00

I'm back at my place, and oddly, it seems a bit too familiar. Already, I dread the call of stress---I've got that tense feeling I get, like when I'm avoiding a call that I know will come through the line.

A new year...I'm definitely at a different place now. Who would have thought, a year ago, that B and I would be together? I had pretty much given up hope, though I obviously didn't want to let it go. But there he was with me on New Year's Eve. I was surrounded by family and friends. It has definitely been the best New Year's in a while.

What do I hope for this year? That I find time to relax, so that I can fully enjoy all the great things that are happening in my life. Part of me isn't quite basking in the glow of it all because I know that it can all fall apart. I don't want to look away, to grow complacent, just in case I miss the signs. I want to be able to prevent anything from going bad. This year, that's my goal. I want to divide work and play even better and not care so much that someone might think that I'm not doing enough at my job. I want to just be able to say, "Oh well, that's the best I can do for you" and not feel like I've let someone down. I have found that if I'm not able to say this, the people I love the most will feel it a lot more. And really, they are the ones I'm most accountable to, the ones who have been there and will continue to be there, no matter what happens with work.

All this goes hand in hand with letting go. I've been too watchful and therefore too tense. But when I've thought about it, I really do have everything I could want. It's not perfect, there are things to strive for, but there isn't anything I want.

Sometimes I wonder, whether in the sadness and struggle of the previous years, I have forgotten how to simply let things be. I need to remember to trust myself and to be confident that I'll know what to do with whatever situation comes my way. To be honest, there are still periods when I just can't seem to get excited about anything; like I've gotten used to a stillness that I have now come to recognize as a kind of "oh well" state of being.

But I no longer want to just let all this good around me keep passing by, nor any of the not-so-good. I desperately want to just feel all the good feelings without that veil of scepticism. I want to believe, once again, that life can be good and impossibly wonderful, and that I can feel impossibly lucky and happy again.

So that's my aim for the new year. I think everyone around me will be better for it too.

now it's late

2006-12-29T02:32:00.000-05:00

Geez. I've been trying to connect with this new Google thing. But I'm blogging on my Palm, which I think made things take a bit longer.

It's pretty comfy, though, blogging from my bed.

I really don't have too much to say now, unfortunately. I'm pretty sleepy. I'll be getting up in about 7 hours to go to lunch with B's family.

Too bad, because prior to this sleepy-headedness, I'm sure I had some blogging ideas.

Still really happy. I think I'm finally allowing myself to get carried away. I get these swells of feeling every once in a while...that feeling of falling, though more carefully this time. I'm feeling it, though, despite my fears. Oh yeah, you better believe they're still there, lurking in the background. But lately, I can't stop looking at him, in this wide-eyed way that I haven't allowed myself.

Soon there will be a reflection of the year, I'm sure of it.

Hmmm....I wonder whether I'll like this new blogger setup.

always busy

2006-11-29T19:37:00.000-05:00

I realize that I don't post too often. Basically, I work 9 to 5 then play the piano for a couple hours, eat dinner, take a shower and go to bed. Once in a while, I do something active, like go to a drop-in dance class or run on the treadmill.

There doesn't seem to be much time for anything else. And by anything else, I mean something that could be seen as useless...like watching TV, surfing the net, blogging. I do think I lack thinking time. Something that blogging and being on my on own affords me.

B is over a lot. He'll do his thing while I practice, and it's actually a great motivator for both of us to be creative---an accountability of sorts---We do our individual work together and then hang out for a bit at around 11 at night, then go to bed.

I've actually been really stressed out lately. I'm stressed about being stressed.

Let me explain.

I come home with a list of tasks that I need to complete for the night. B suggests something fun to do. I think I can do it, but realize that I can't, because I'll have to go to bed soon. So, a movie that starts at 11 p.m., for instance, is pretty much out of the question. I would much rather read to clear my head of the day's thoughts. Then, I feel bad, because I can't hang out with him. Suddenly, the pressure of one task after another, with no time to just sit and think, really weighs down on me. I don't want B to have to experience me this way. (And it has been happening quite a bit recently.) So, I get even more stressed out because I'm worried that he'll someday get tired of this emotional business, and there really isn't anything I can do about it.

But he says that he doesn't mind at all; the degree to which I make him happy outweighs any moments he spends dealing with my stress.

I think a lot of this has to do with adjusting to the fact that there's another person here all the time. I can't hide how I'm feeling. I used to be able to, but I no longer see the point. Like me for who I am and all my emotions, I say. But I am always aware of what my effect is on others. This gets to me sometimes, actually. I am so incredibly self-aware in most cases that I'm always analyzing what impact I may be having on others. And it causes quite a bit of tension in my head. It's really quite tangible.

So, I'm practicing letting the worry go. I'm trying to put myself out there in the way I act and in what I say, with much forethought, and with no fear of having to defend myself.

And that's hard for me. I always want to see all sides before speaking. I'm careful to cultivate tone and impression. Frankly, it's stressful. A part of me wants to say "Fuck it. You worry about how you perceive me. This is how I'm coming off, whether you like it or not".

Those who know me well would say that there really isn't much danger in my being negatively provocative. I'm a really nice and thoughtful person.

Yeah, I guess I am, but I'm that way because I'm constantly thinking of how others might feel about something I say or do. And I just want a break from thinking. I really, really do. I want to stop being the one that makes sure everything goes smoothly for others (yup, that's part of my job). I feel like just sitting back and having someone else grapple with things. The only thing is, you can bet that I'll be called in anyway to see what help I can offer.

To be proactive or reactive?

A bit of both...a balance. That's what I'm trying to achieve.

listless

2006-11-02T19:15:00.000-05:00

I kinda feel like I've used that as a title already.

Well, I officially have nothing to complain about. Life is pretty much near-perfect, though not without its everyday small challenges. It has made me realize that there is no reason for me to feel unhappy, no reason for me to lack the energy or any desire to do things.

All this leads me to think that maybe I have a mild case of depression. In the past I always had something to attribute it to. But perhaps I felt more emotional strain because this has always been with me?

You know those little self-diagnosis tests that tell you whether you may be depressed. Well, in the past, I have qualified. I'm still able to push myself to do what I need to do, but in an almost zombie-like manner. I can still put up an act and smile through it all when in front of people.

I can't seem to match B's enthusiasm sometimes, and I feel terrible. I must be somewhat difficult to cheer up right now.

Or maybe it's just a case of the blahs due to the shortened daylight hours. I don't know. I'm just surprised by this little discovery that I still feel down when I have no rational reason to feel that way. Moods are moods, but this has been going on for at least 3 weeks now.

I'm still hoping I can fight it off. We'll see.

2006-10-08T19:42:00.000-04:00

I love playing with my recently acquired digital camera. I can't believe how warm the days are, being in the second week of October. My aim was to put up a pic that was more representative of me somehow. This seemed like the most accurate representation from the number of pics I took yesterday. I had a few options...full colour, accent on the blossoms, or accent on the wood colour. Obviously, I picked this last.

It's got a feel of nostalgia in the shades of gray against the muted colour of the wood. Hmmm...part of me doesn't really want to explain why this feels like the right one to post right now. But, to say just a bit, I do always have a keen sense that everything slips away very, very quickly. I think that because of this knowledge, I'm always grateful for every passing moment. For every not-so-happy moment, too, I know that it, too, will pass. It's not that every present moment is tainted by its passing. On the contrary, I think I see it more fully in that the past is already inherent in it. It contains the elements that make my life richer.

And for all this, I'm truly thankful.

ever wonder what your eyes say?

2006-09-14T18:08:00.000-04:00

I was looking into his eyes today (blech! that sounds clichéd) and he told me that I was making funny faces. I asked, "What kind?"

"Like, you're worried that you're so happy."

I had to pause to see if that was true. It was, in a way. I was searching for a clue in his eyes, trying to see whether he's at all concerned that I might be feeling more than he's ready for.

He notices the slightest shift in my expression. And I mean just a tiny eye-movement that I don't think anyone can notice. He amazes me and there are times when he wants to hold me so tight, so that somehow he can absorb me.

Ahhh...the honeymoon period...

We're so lucky. We tell each other that all the time. It's as if all the hurt was worth it and it's our turn.

Don't get me wrong, we have our moods, but we're happy the other is there.

Man, I'm gushing! It's soooo good!

And yet tonight, we're doing things separately. He's hanging out with friends and I'm seeing a classical concert by myself. I like that we still do this!

~end of gushing~

2006-09-05T23:25:00.000-04:00

"You make me very, very happy," he said with almost imperceptible emotion as he looked down at his food. I didn't know then how happy he truly felt until he later told me that he almost cried.

I was pretty stressed out from working so much that I couldn't feel happiness to the depth he was feeling it. I also began to think that perhaps I'm more jaded than I thought. That deep down, I'm more emotionally guarded.

But there are times when I want to tell him I love him. Maybe I've grown past the initial realization and now I'm just watching him catch up.

I love it when he smiles so big, like he just can't get over the fact that I'm smiling at him. I want to keep making him that happy.

greetings!

2006-08-25T20:06:00.000-04:00

I can't believe it has only been a month since I last posted. It feels like a lot longer.

I've been really busy once again, as prep for the school year takes up all of my days and the greater part of my nights.

I've done quite a bit in this past month, though part of me had wondered what I had actually done all summer. Looking back, I realize that I've managed to do a lot and have had an awesome time.

I went to Florida for a couple of weeks, spent some time at the lake, and took a few afternoons off. So in the end, I'm actually quite satisfied.

Things with B are going really, really well. A couple of nights ago, I opened my eyes drowsily to see him looking at me. I couldn't tell what the look in his eyes was, exactly, because I didn't really open my eyes much, but I could sense the gentleness about his face. I don't know how much time passed before I felt three light kisses on my forehead. I woke up to kisses at various intervals that night.

I have, for the most part, forgotten my fear. There's still a tidbit in me that reminds me that anything can happen to change this, but I find myself just relishing how lucky I am. And of course, the fact that I'm obviously smarter because I always knew this would be a good thing.

I think I should be able to post more frequently after the first couple of weeks of September. Until then, I'm going to be pretty damn busy training staff.

Don't really know how to end this post, except to say that I'm really content...no, happy.

yet another challenge

2006-07-23T18:08:00.000-04:00

My mom asked me last week what we're going to do about the religion of the children. What? Isn't it a little too soon?

She figured it might be worth exploring before I get too emotionally involved. But I explained that unless there is emotional involvement, there really won't be any chance to work anything out.

Anyway, thruth is, B and I talked about our religious differences and how it might affect children. I'm Catholic. I'm not hardcore about it, but I do go to church every Sunday. I'm not the best at fasting and abstinence...I have been known to eat meat on Fridays during Lent. I disagree with the Church's stance on many issues, homosexuality, divorce, etc...

But I value the opportunity my parents gave me to believe in God. This faith waivers all the time. I felt it most during my second year of university, as I took philosophy courses that I hoped would logically convince me of the existence of God. None of it worked. All I know is that part of me does believe, another doesn't. I get the same feeling turning my mind to faith as I do when I try to analyze the feeling of "love". The object of thought vanishes and I grasp at traces.

My parents are worried about his being an atheist. He doesn't discount the possibility of a god, in the sense that anything is possible, but he doesn't believe it himself.

My parents worry that it will become more convenient for me to just drop my faith and all its obligations. I assured my mom that it's too ingrained in me. I don't even feel the inconvenience of scheduling things around Church, for example.

I'm worried that they'll never warm up to him completely because in their view, he brings with him the possibility that I won't be married in a church, the possibility that my kids won't be baptized. They are very nice to him, there's no doubt about that. But I wonder what barriers might be there naturally when their daughter's soul is in jeopardy.

I hope I find a priest that, should it ever come to marriage, will see the challenge we face. My mom explained that it's not a real marriage unless both parties believe in the sacrament. The way I see it, I can't see how a benevolent God could deny His blessing to someone who wants it. I don't understand why religion divides when it's supposed to help us live harmoniously. Ironically, "catholic" means "universal". Universal division? Exclusivity? Do I want to be married by a Church that doesn't recognize that there's a diversity of people in the world, and inevitably, good comes even from those who don't have institutional faith?

What good is a faith that only grows within, in the company only of those who share it? If anything, it should inform relations with those who don't have it. It should lead to understanding and inclusivity, not to convert others, but to give one the strength to deal intelligently with the challenges brought about by differences. If this means a modification of beliefs for the sake a genuine union, then why not?

I understand why the Church requires belief from both candidates for marriage. If one doesn't believe, what good is it? But God knows we live in the world. In all its glorious differences.

I nonetheless maintain the hope that, as many times before, my parents will soon see why they don't have to fear differences. Credit to them, they have many times before readjusted their view, their beliefs, because I argued so persistently against them.

Still, I want them to take B in, without reserve. He is such a genuine, kind, and thoughtful person. It hurts me to think that they won't see all of that no matter how beautiful he is, how happy he makes me, and how being with him makes me thrive.

not a question of love

2006-06-14T19:33:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking with frustraion about sex lately.

I'm not at the point of being ready yet. Surprise! I've known him for so long and yet I waver.

I used to want to wait until marriage, but years have made me revise this credo. I want to know that someone really, truly loves me before doing that. I thought long and hard about why that is. Is it because, after years of Catholic upbringing, I think it's a sin? No. Most definitely not. I began to ask myself why, then, why wait?

I took the Pill for a little bit a couple of years ago, for another purpose entirely. Suddenly, I knew that I would have sex, given the right guy, and an opportunity that felt right. I realized that the reason behind my wanting to be married first is that I'm afraid of unwanted pregnancy and having to raise a child on my own. Being on the Pill, I found an incredible sense of freedom. So, it wasn't a moral issue, it was fear. I determined that as long as I have someone that I trust loves me, I would have fewer qualms.

I had to get off the Pill, though, because it changed my mood dramatically. As it wasn't imperative that I be on it, I discontinued its use.

I've been thinking about getting back on it, but I have many concerns about its short- and long-term effects. I've done much reading on the subject, even prior to first taking them. I know that the chance of side-effects is low. I'm concerned, however, that in some women, pregnancy may not occur until 6 months to a year after discontinuing the Pill. What if I get off the Pill and I find that it takes longer for me? What if by the time its effects wear off, I'm at an age when the risk of having birth defects is higher?

I was reading the product description on Tricyclen Lo in Jane a couple of weeks ago. One of the health risks that increases with the use of the Pill lasts for 10 years after discontinuing its use. Now, this information was based on studies done with women who used a higher formulation of hormones. Unfortunately, there's no information on the effects of the currently available lower doses.

Point is, is it worth changing my body that drastically? I'm going to talk to my doctor about it, but I'm not sure even she will know what its effects on me will be.

I know there are other forms of birth control. But what if that fails? There's emergency contraception, but that doesn't even prevent conception 100%.

To be honest, I don't know whether I'm blowing these fears out of proportion because of the way I've been brought up. I do know that I'm a logical, reasonable woman. I know that I've done many things that have gone against my upbringing, inciting hurtful arguments with my parents.

I know I'll talk to him about all this. He already knows my concerns through being my friend for years. Regardless of how much we talk about it, though, it will still be my decision and my decision alone. I feel the weight of that responsibility. No matter how much he may understand and empathize, it will still be my body. If something messes up, it will be my baby, my guilt, my worry, my embarassment, my strength.

With all the information available to me, I couldn't at all stomach it should I be confronted with the worst possible scenario...the decision to keep a baby or abort. I already know what my strong inclination is---keep the baby. I could not in any way plead ignorance to the consequences of a decision that I have every opportunity to make with a clear mind and open eyes. But, what if I couldn't possibly raise a child? What then? I don't want to bring up a child in an atmosphere of fear, stress, uncertainty, and with a less-than-probable chance of having a father around.

You know what I wish? That I could feel as sexually free as many, many women I know. They have sex with abandon, it seems. They weather the pregnancy scare and perhaps deem it worth nights of passion. I wish that, like so many women before me, I could just get that prescription, take the Pill, express myself freely.

The only thing that will make me feel that way, it seems, is having a partner who will assure me that he'll be there. Someone who isn't going to take off before the kids are old enough to fend for themselves.

I know that even in marriage nothing is guaranteed. What more outside of it, with no assurance of love and the hopeful, maybe even idealistic, vision of "'til death do us part'", though the vision may someday be obscured?

nothing to complain about

2006-05-16T20:39:00.000-04:00

Life's been pretty good lately. I'm not entirely satisfied with my playing, but I do feel a renewed sense of why I'm pursuing it in the first place.

Work's not as hectic, so I'm not terribly stressed.

The only thing I haven't worked regularly into my schedule is reading and breaking (dancing, that is). I think that will come soon enough, though.

I'm also tired from staying up late with B, but I'm only occasionally tired due to that. We're really good at making sure we don't disturb the other when we're doing work. We're also really conscious about getting enough rest.

The thing that scares me once in a while is that this could end unexpectedly. The thought doesn't cross my mind frequently, but when it comes, it can bring me down.

It actually feels more like we've been dating for years and we have reached that comfortable stage where you feel settled and happy. What I wonder, though, is whether, in the absence of that intense romantic sweep that brings couples to think they are "in love", will we acknowledge that we're in it? You know what I mean?...

With someone you haven't known for a long time, you get the butterflies and the heart-flutter, and you think, "He's so perfect! I think I love him." In my case, I love having him around. I miss his presence when I don't fall asleep next to him; and feel strange when I don't see him first thing in the morning. He always wants to see me. In fact, we spend almost every night of the week together. I'd say, on average, 3 of 4 nights a week.

What am I trying to say here?...I worry that in the absence of the "butterflies", we won't recognize whether our feelings have grown. What if he decides to go after that feeling? What if it makes us think that what we have isn't enough?

I love holding him, though, and seeing him brings a smile to my face...a sense of calm.

I do realize that I'm over-thinking here, but these are the thoughts that cross my mind once in a while.

You want to know the truth though? I'm really, really happy. He makes me smile, giggle, and laugh. We kiss and hold each other often. We make sure that we don't lose sight of what's most important to us and that we spend all the time we need doing it. Literally, we spend our time together, doing what we need to do alone. It's not distracting. It may even be keeping us on track.

We're happy, and not all too scared anymore.

that baggage sure can be heavy

2006-05-02T20:20:00.000-04:00

I'm in a bit of a mood today. I've got a bit of a cough and, as usual, I don't think I'm playing all that well.

Maybe it's because he didn't return the sentiment in the closing greeting, although I didn't care at first whether he did or not. Honestly, I don't really care about that.

When I have a good look at why, it's because today, I'm reminded that I can't lean on anyone, at least not consistently.

I'm not feeling great about my playing. I'm rather tired. Part of me wants to convince him to come out to my friend's birthday, but part of me doesn't care. (It's at a club, and I hate pretentious clubs myself.) I don't think I would want to be guilted into going somewhere I don't want to go.

So I have come to the conclusion that regardless how great everything is going right now, I'm the only person that can make myself feel good. Only I can improve my playing. Only I can make sure I get enough sleep. Only I can feel confident enough about our relationship so that I don't feel the need to test it.

This whole "only I" thing, though, just reminds me of how fleeting this can all be... that no matter what I put in, there are no guarantees.

And there, ladies and gentlemen, is the interminable seedling produced by that grain of hurt.

In a way, this is good. It means that I am perhaps feeling more about this than my mind perceives. I was worried that my feelings wouldn't grow. But it also reminds me of how all this can be taken away, and in the end, I have no control. If I have no control, then neither does he. He, too, has been so hurt before that he's unsure of his capacity to love deeply.

If I don't feel that grow in him, I'm going to find it hard to grow as well. But if there's no growth in me, then that will likely be an obstacle to his growth.

So I simply feel caught. And scared. And I want to run, but I want something to stop me.

i'm a sleepy head

2006-05-02T01:26:00.000-04:00

I realize I haven't posted in a while. I've been pretty busy at work, dealing with crisis situations for a couple weeks, making my usual work load spill over into hours when I would normally be free. Things have calmed down now, but I'm still finding that my nights are busy.

I need the time to practice and phone and see people.

At the risk of sounding super cheesy, I would like to say that my heart has been calm through all of it.

I find that dating B doesn't make me lose focus. I haven't gotten lost in a euphoric haze, as I did when I first started dating A (i.e. my first boyfriend. I can't remember what letter I used to represent him.)

It feels like we've been dating forever. It has that settled, comfortable feeling despite being new.

I'm still noticing emotional challenges in myself, though. I'll cover that in another post, because my eyes are mad at me for not allowing them to rest.

Good night.

the difference one night can make

2006-04-05T22:24:00.000-04:00

Simply. Strangely. Wonderfully.

I'm now dating B.

clutter

2006-04-04T18:25:00.000-04:00

So much is occupying space in my head. So much so that I have little patience for people doing stupid things to screw themselves over.

I just don't want to do anything right now that I'm required to do. But I must practice. I'm always so drained. I just don't get it. It doesn't appear to me that I need to really pause. I've been able to handle the work and all its challenges, but I'm exhausted by the end of the day.

This weather's off, too, but at least it's sunny for the moment so that helps. It gives me a boost of energy somehow.

I think of all the people who are going through so much more and who endure nonetheless; and then there's me, with my comfortable life, tired from a day's work. I'm such a wimp.

Hmmm...and obviously I don't go very easy on myself. I should really work harder on that.

What? More hard work? Argh!

persistence

2006-03-22T23:26:00.000-05:00

Too much of it equals annoying.

He called four times yesterday and sent me a couple of e-mails. Too much, I tell you. I'm torn between going the subtle route, as technically, everything he has said can be interpreted as something a friend would say. Though crazy calling is a whole other issue.

I picked up the last phone call, not knowing it was him. He kept trying to get me to call him back, but I told him I'd be busy all night.

I decided not to call him back today either. I just don't feel like it. Plus, I hate that I feel pressured to call in case he starts to think I'm mean. I don't even call my very best friends back if I don't feel like talking, unless of course I know they're dealing with something and really need to talk. Besides, if I don't want to call someone, I have every right not to call that person!

Obviously I feel bad. I mean he has tried to contact me A LOT. In fact, I was going to push myself into calling and clarifying the whole thing even if I really just didn't have time to deal with this right now. Then I stopped and realized that...hey, wait a second, who says anyone gets to push me into a phone call or into hanging out?

Screw that yo!

And now I'm sleepy. I think staring into a computer all day is taking its toll on my eyes.

three points connected to make an enclosed figure

2006-03-20T19:18:00.000-05:00

Me, him, his friend.

I've been asked out by his best friend. Shit! I'm avoiding the e-mail in which he told me he tried calling me a few times and do I wanna do something sometime and will he get through if he tries calling again?

I alluded to this in one of my entries..."the warm look". Oh no!

I'm really not interested. I've thought about it, picturing whether I could see a cuddle, a kiss, dating. Nothing. I was so flattered by his gaze, especially because I haven't had something that sincere in a long time. But I just can't do it. I'm not interested in him at all.

I can't even talk to...what was I calling him? "B". I can't talk to B because C may not even be talking to him about it. But if I put off answering C for too long, or if I at all seem mean, then I'll be the bitch that hurt his friend.

So, really, it comes down to making references to "friendship" that I hope will not be overlooked.

Seriously, I didn't want this right now. I'm enjoying alone time!!

spring will be here soon, i think

2006-03-14T19:13:00.000-05:00

This colour combo matches my mood better these days.

He gave me a beach. In a microwaveable container...sand and shells with the shimmer of water for waves. These were the best shells he could find for that purpose, he said.

I had jokingly asked for one before he left, knowing that it's obviously impossible. It's so sweet and thoughtful and makes me happy. I wish this could mean something. But, of course, we're just good friends, as he decided.

distraction

2006-03-12T21:51:00.000-05:00

I have not had any luck getting down to house work today. There's a huge pile of dishes in my sink and, due to a lack of space therein, the dishes...no, I'm onto the bowls now...have decided to spread out onto the kitchen counters and my dining table.

There are a million things I want to do. I did a few of them today...read an issue of Newsweek I've been wanting to read, took some photos, watched reruns of "So You Think You Can Dance" at a friend's house, did 2 loads of laundry, went to church. Still, I want to clean up, but that just seems so boring right about now...Got Mos Def playing right now. Maybe if I dance around, shake my booty, so to speak, while doing dishes, I'll become motivated.

I have determined that there are simply too many things I'm interested in doing that I never feel I've accomplished enough in my day. Looking at my list above, though, I guess I didn't do too badly for getting up at 11:30.

Too bad I've got to go to work tomorrow.

flip the switch

2006-03-05T23:10:00.000-05:00

I walked out of someone's room after rehearsing a song and as I walked down the stairs, I had a distinct feeling that something had changed. I could almost smell the scent of a new book's page being turned...You know, that smell that wafts upward when you're reading in a warm room in the summer.

I've been on the upswing this past week. I've smiled to myself a lot with the knowledge that I have a feeling of ownership over my playing...that it's all in my hands. I wasn't going to play for anyone, nor for any evaluation. It was all for me. I thought for a second that I would play for my family and friends who had been there all along for me, but I couldn't get away from the truth...I wasn't playing for any of them.

I walked onto the stage with a smile on my face. There was a rare clarity of mind as I heard the music and saw the keys. Before and after playing I saw the faces of the people that I currently share my life with. I wasn't alone, but I was by myself doing what only I could do.

I also had someone look at me differently yesterday. There was a warmth about the look and though it made me look away because it isn't anything I'm ready to handle, it does make me think of what I could have when I am fully ready.

There's momentum building up and it may very well place me where I'm meant to rest awhile. Like atop some calm plateau with a sunny view...hills and treetops...and the freedom of breath once again.

day of wrath

2006-03-01T00:39:00.000-05:00

I've been spilling things...splashes of chai as I stir, paper falling off my scanner into the hard-to-reach corner between the wall and my desk. I started to rinse the conditioner off my hair when I had meant to leave it in for a few minutes. The condensation off the aluminum foil covering the chicken spilled onto the floor as soon as lifted it off the baking pan. Something melted onto my burner...cling wrap? Who the hell knows? It had melted and I could just smell it. I couldn't play the sonata perfectly and as I was playing it at my best for the first time, all 3 of my phones kept ringing...GRRRRRRRRR!!

Little things, little prickly things.

song of the day

2006-02-23T11:48:00.000-05:00

COLLIDE
(Howie Day)

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

2006-02-22T22:38:00.000-05:00

Just a little something I took while on the train last summer.

I've been relishing a couple of days off. I've cleaned my place completely...talk about a tiring task!

I've been rather content, actually. I spent some time with my family and a lot of time by myself. I find that I'm not even thinking about him and we've been really comfortable around each other lately. I see and feel glimpses of the way we were a long time ago.

I feel as though I'm getting to the last stages of having the door open. My arm's getting tired. No, that's not it. More like I've got other things to do, so if he wants to come in, he'll just have to open the door...before I lock it, that is. Otherwise, he'll have to knock, and if I'm having a party, I may not hear him. This is a good thing! But I can't stand the thought of him not being there for the rest of my life. I'm worried that having people between us, i.e other people we become emotionally involved with, will eventually lead us to drift apart. I've been scared of this for a while and nothing has come of it, so perhaps this won't even come to pass. I'm really quite happy with the way our friendship is right now.

Mostly, I find that I can't even bring myself to think about him. There's nothing more to think and nothing more to say. Part of the reason, I think, is because I know I can still count on him to be there for me. I've come to realize that I really, really needed to know that. Maybe I was afraid all along that all this will end our friendship. I had to do a lot of self-convincing.

I've been feeling a deeper sense of calm than I've known in a while and as a result, I even have creative urges coming through naturally once again.

It's all very exciting for me...a taste of that feeling I usually only get in the spring. Could it be that I'm actually starting to experience happiness with myself? Oh my!!

Lovin' it.

round 'n' round

2006-01-29T01:58:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, even when you know that there will not be a conclusion to your thoughts. You go there anyway. Play the scene in your head, wonder about what was thought, or think up hypothetical conversations. How did that smile look? Did you see me differently? Did you discover something else?

And some things have no end...bass, and notes, and drums, and footwork, and sweat...and this vast stretch and this deep breath.

oh the toothache i'm getting

2006-01-27T17:30:00.000-05:00

It makes me smile.

He left me this message. Jazz. Fucking good jazz. No words, just the music. It made me smile and take in the sun out my window.

I've been thinking that I sure wish I'd come up and see that there's a message from him. And there it was.

He's such a good friend.

been working like a hound dog

2006-01-25T23:25:00.000-05:00

It's taking all my energy, physically and mentally, to keep stress at bay. I've exercised my right to delegate a bit...funny how I didn't think of it right away.

My friends are either falling in love or not being successful at finding it. I find it hard to keep in touch and make room for quality conversation, targeting those who need it most first. There are still a couple of dear friends that I haven't contacted in ages!

I can't wait until this busy time is over. I need a massage!

An interesting thing...I find that fighting to keep the stress level down, though a very useful coping mechanism, is actually harder work than just diving in and tackling tasks.

Now I'm off to unwind. And then, to sleep.

silence

2006-01-14T01:52:00.000-05:00

Ever have those moments when suddenly you grow quiet? You're fine and having fun in this really calm way, but you become really aware that you are significantly less talkative than you were earlier.

That happened to me tonight and it sucks when someone notices...actually, it only sucks when there are people you don't know very well around. I probably just came off as this strange girl.

Oh well. First impressions will be as they may be.

My ex is now dating someone else. He told me because he thought I should know. Why? Because he thinks I'm waiting for him? No, I think it's more because there is a connection between us that will always be there. We were truly happy. There was romance, passion, and friendship. We even created together. Music and literature played a big role in our connection.

I marvel at the coming together of people and the way that their separation changes them forever. People have a need to touch and come together, but pulling them apart has such terrible effects that I almost wonder whether we were truly meant to get that close. Or, we are, and we're simply meant to hurt, too. Yeah, yeah, get close, real close...oh, but by the way, it's gonna hurt like hell to come apart, so, um, don't know if you you really wanna do that.

Ok...really sleepy now. I feel babbling coming on, so I'll spare you.

change

2006-01-08T01:33:00.000-05:00

I have come to realize that I do this strange thing. Lately, for some reason, guys come up to me and tell me I'm beautiful. I have to say I feel strange writing that because it may sound like I'm showing off. But, to be honest, I write about this because it's all new to me. It's really, really flattering! Though I hate to follow through on this thought, I think that my past disappointments have, in a way, made me wonder what exactly it is about me that empowers guys to go away. Seriously, I think that I give them the confidence to go and follow their dreams and leave me alone.

So anyway, back to this strange thing I do...I come home and look in the mirror and try to figure out what angle they see me from and I try to see if I can find what they see. Most times, I think, 'Huh, I do look pretty good tonight.' But of course, I also see the flaws, which I figure most people probably don't even notice despite them being so obvious to me.

I've also been wondering what it is about me lately that catches their attention. You must understand, I can blend in quite well. I might as well be the wall. My friends have always been the ones to turn heads. For a couple of years now, I acknowledge that I've gone out with a dark shade around me. I recall thinking about someone all the time to the extent that I made myself invisible.

But today, as I was looking out my window while drinking coffee and following snowflake paths with my eyes, I found myself quite content. More and more, I'm relishing the freedom of enjoying where I am right now. I look around my apartment and I think, 'Damn! I've got a pretty awesome setup here." I thoroughly enjoy the fact that it's all me right now. My time, my money, my space to move, to think.

I now understand the willful arrest I had put myself under. I don't regret it, but allowing myself the mischief of unbounded thoughts and unbridled possibility takes getting used to after all this time.

There were always things I couldn't do because of my parents' concerns. Then there were my own concerns around losing people. Now, my parents are supportive and the people that mean the most will never be lost. Nothing can stop me now.

I've also taken to listening to music as soon as I wake up again. For some reason, I stopped doing that. I've looked around more and have taken in the sky in a way that I had forgotten---a way that makes me smile. Oh, and that's another thing, I find that I now have a smile on my lips rather than an an expression that says, 'You better not come the fuck near me because you have no idea how much I don't even want to acknowledge that you're coming my way.'

I've had my own space for so long and yet I'm finding that only now am I occupying it so as to take it in. I'm literally breathing more freely. I don't even know if I can describe it well...

I've made room.

muscle

2006-01-05T02:00:00.000-05:00

I assembled a rather complicated coffee table today. It took me three hours. I discovered my mistake rather late in the game, but luckily it wasn't that difficult to take pieces apart. Somehow, I managed to keep my patience.

There it is! Done!

While I was screwing in some plastic contraption with tremendous effort (whose purpose I cannot ascertain because it's somewhere under the swivel top), I had to smile at the thought that this would, in the past, have been a typically male task. In fact, the boys in the family would have been doing this were I still living at home. But there I was, with a sheen of sweat and muscular exertion, doing it all by myself. I was very tempted to call him, especially because more strength would have made pushing things together much, much easier; but I rather liked the idea of completing this project that ended up being way more challenging than I thought.

And now I will attempt to regain a normal sleep pattern. Having only gotten 5 hours last night, I think I should fall asleep rather quickly.

I think I'll bring some Either/Or to bed, just in case.

G'night.

a new year!

2006-01-03T01:53:00.000-05:00

So obviously, this pic doesn't have anything to do with my post. Ok, so maybe that wasn't quite so obvious.

Haven't felt much like posting lately. And then I did feel like it about a half hour ago and now I sense I'm running out of steam.

I've had a great break this Christmas. It was relaxed and full of food and drink.

Overall, I'd say I feel pretty good about 2005. I'm looking forward to a clearer head this coming year. I've actually felt pretty happy, for the most part, lately. Naturally, the holiday blues hit momentarily.

I simply had to marvel at how hard it is to get over the last guy. I think it's because he's an awesome person and we're still good friends. I have managed to move forward, though, even giving my number to a guy who suggested we do something over the break. I missed the call, though, and there wasn't a message, so of course, I didn't call back.

Part of me doesn't want to try anything with this guy because I would only be doing it to help myself get used to dating. I feel like a bit of a jerk going on dates when I know I want nothing more right now than a few fun nights...light-hearted and full of good food. Is that terrible? The thing is, I know this guy a little. I think that perhaps if I didn't know the guy at all this would be easier. That way, even if he thinks I'm a jerk, it's no big deal because I'll never have to see him again.

But then, I keep thinking, maybe I'm not being such a jerk, dating when I'm not ready for anything serious. I mean, people date for various reasons, right? Not the least of which is getting to know someone new. I just haven't ever dated for the hell of it. Yes, I am rather inexperienced in this regard as I've only gone out with someone I already knew I liked very, very, very much.

I figure that someone just might surprise me when I'm out on one of these "what the hell" dates. I'm thinking about this a lot because I don't want to just use someone to help me believe once more in the possibility of being loved. It's just that, if my heart isn't completely open to something long-term, I'm afraid to disappoint someone who's out there looking for just that.

It sure is funny what loss does to you. I think I'm feeling a rather potent dose and it's not wearing off too quickly. I conjecture that this has to do with the fact that the two people overlapped and no one situation was allowed the room to resolve in comfort.

Once in a while, just when I think it's safe enough to breathe deeply, a strand of memory rises with the intake.

something flattering

2005-12-14T23:38:00.000-05:00

This past weekend, I received the most attention ever!

I was dancing at this club and a bartender, out of nowhere, walked up to me and gave me a bottle of water. Oh, if only this were the way guys hit on me all the time! It was just what I needed!

Then, my friends and I went out to eat. A rather handsome lad walked by me and with a gesture of his hand, directed the comment, "Beautiful", to me. When my order arrived, I realized that a table of guys was just staring. Soon, one of them passed a note that said, "Hey cutie, what's your name?" The problem with them, though, is that they stared the whole time and made me uncomfortable. Another note, grammatically incorrect, followed. If I had been in a bad mood, I'd have told them to look elsewhere. It became too much. No subtlety whatsoever.

There was a cute guy across from me though, who made eye contact every now and then. He even talked to me about my order. As he got up to leave, I did a bold thing...I looked him in the eye and nodded. He returned my gaze and kept it even as he walked towards the door. He turned around, as he couldn't help it if he didn't want to bump into anything, but before heading out, he caught my gaze again. Excellent eye connection!...one of those moments where everything around you fades for a few lengthy seconds.

And that's all that happened.

While this story doesn't include big romantic gestures, I would like to note that making obvious eye contact and smiling at a cute guy is not something I've done very much. This is quite a big step for me since my disappointents of late.

This was a much needed reminder that it's only a matter of time until I'm healed enough to welcome someone in. And that perhaps there might, in fact, still be someone out there that will get me.

dear _______,

2005-11-14T22:02:00.000-05:00

I guess I just want you to know that I think about you a lot and that I miss you. We are friends, and I can tell that you do love me somehow and that you do care. But you are impenetrable as ever. I know you haven't told me all that there is. I don't think that people can care about each other this way and be satisfied to call it a friendship.

Despite this, I leave room for my own foolish misinterpretations.

I wish that you would call me like you used to and that I would call you. Of course, we don't do this anymore. The time between calls just may get longer from now on. But you know the reason we did that right? Because we both wanted something from the other. Before I said anything, it was great living in that ambiguity. There's no real pain there. In fact, it was teeming with expectation.

I still don't understand how my saying something made us both step back... like I broke that fragile cup and everything spilled all over so that there's nothing for us to share. Why couldn't that expectation just explode over us as happiness? Was I really that mistaken?

When you look at me now, it's all so comfortable, but sometimes, I think we're aware, at the same time, of what happened. When I talk to you, I forget it all. But I leave you and it's not at all the same.

Our friendship wasn't ever really a friendship. If you're honest, I know you'll see that. That's why I don't get it at all. You returned everything just as much as I did. I think we just did it at the wrong times.

But if someday you happen to look at me and see something new, don't hesitate to tell me. No matter what obstacle there appears to be, just say it and let me decide what to do with it.

Because the truth is that I love you. And I can't help but think that maybe that's what scares you...because you're afraid that you can hurt me more than anyone can.

But I do love you. And now I have to put that aside so that someone else can come in. So that maybe I can love someone else. So that I can find someone who's not afraid to hurt me...who can see that I'm stronger than I seem. Someone who isn't going to be afraid to risk it all and who, because he risks losing me entirely, I'll never lose.

Love,
_____

hot apple cider

2005-11-09T01:19:00.000-05:00

...makes me happy and reminds me of being cozy indoors with snow outside.

It also reminds me of my ex, though I'm drinking a different brand right now. In my head I remember the feeling of the slight smile on my lips, seeing the red packaging, him handing it to me and looking at me with a smile.

I like that the memories no longer pain me.

mmmm...

tired and sleepy

2005-11-08T00:25:00.000-05:00

I really wanted to post today, but I spent time searching to see whether my blog is still listed on Blogarama and Blogwise. Somehow, I'm no longer on Blogarama.

Oh well.

Been much better lately, having done the things I love to do. Little by little, it will all come together. Introducing the optimistic me! Yes, it still exists.

What I need to do is ensure that I am not consumed by work, however. I'm just pretty new at this job, so I'm always anxious to be doing the right thing and not making hasty decisions.

I've also come to the conclusion that creativity is as essential to me as the air I breathe. I'm happiest when I can spend time doing it. I'm happiest when there's an audience for it because it's really the only way I can shut self-consciousness off. It's as though through art's guise, I can be excused from any shortcomings as the process of its creation is forgiving. Audiences might not always be so kind, but I think that for anyone who believes in the necessity of errors in the search for the right expression, there's even something about the rawest piece that allows a glimpse into the artist.

So, I've resolved that if my introverted nature can only come out through art in one form or another, then I have to do it. It's part of what's been missing all these years, as self-absorption (though I can also see how the creative process can lead to this) and emotional chaos have taken over too much.

Oh look, I've posted anyway.

G'night.

someday

2005-10-25T23:03:00.000-04:00

someday i won't feel so lonely anymore, right? someday, someone will hold me again...someone will tell me i'm beautiful. someday, someone will want me again. someday, i'll feel sexy and he'll look at me with a hungry look that i've only ever seen once in my life. someday, i won't cry like this anymore. someday, someone will help me with the furniture and with the cooking. someday, someone will make me laugh, make me angry and kiss me afterwards. someday, it won't be such hard work. someday, i'll just be laughing all the time. someday, i'll want to make music again. someday, i won't have to push. someday, i'll know who i am, and i'll know because i won't even be thinking about it. someday, i'll have confidence again. someday, i'll believe that i don't go unnoticed. someday, my smile will mean something so completely unique to someone. someday, there'll be someone to sleep with and awake to. someday, i'll have naked breakfast with someone. someday, i'll share everything with someone. someday, i'll feel someone's body impossibly close to mine. someday, i'll be so lost in love i won't have room for anything else for a while, and when i'm no longer lost, i'll still be in love.

someday this will happen, right? because i can't continue to feel this sad all the time, right?

2005-10-16T20:12:00.000-04:00

I feel restless and trapped. I wish that everything didn't feel so heavy. I feel like everything I do doesn't corectly represent who I am anymore or what I'm feeling. I sure wish something would make me ecstatically happy. Hell, even just a little bit happy would be good.

I'm pacing quite a bit. I'm still awesome at putting on a show. To the outside world, my life is quite good. Work is good, my place is good. But I'm not. I'm not happy. I'm doing things that I want to be doing and yet I'm not happy. I feel incredibly alone.

I'm in search of something that will fill me. Nothing seems to lately. I'm fighting so hard not to let this feeling get to me. No one has done anything, nothing bad is happening to me. It's all just here around me, though.

What scares me most is just this glimmer of a thought...that I will never be as carefree as I once was. That no matter how good things are, I'm just not going to be able to move away from this. I'm just not sure what to do to help myself.

I'm going to keep trying to fight it though. I still believe that it's possible that I'll find some colour in everything again. I just wish I knew right now how to get there faster.

sleep

2005-10-11T23:26:00.000-04:00

I've been feeling it for at least three weeks now. It's so hard to shake.

Perhaps more sleep will help, healthier eating. It's all chemicals, right? There are triggers, certainly, but the ability to cope all has to do with chemicals. I don't completely buy that, but it's worth a shot.

I've really been missing him and our friendship as it used to be. I feel like it's just not the same. This goes in waves, though. This is why I think I may just be extra emotional lately.

But I know that things are, in fact, different. I miss my best friend. Though I know it would have been harder on me in the end had I not brought the subject up, I sometimes wonder if I did the right thing, at the right time.

I almost want to call him and tell him that all I want is for our friendship to be the same as it was, but I'm afraid he won't even know what the difference is, and that will hurt me more.

I want to ask him to visit more, to keep me company like he used to. This, I figure, is fair, as I see my other close friends at least once a week. I haven't seen him in three.

But again, I'm afraid it will all be taken the wrong way. I'm not denying that, obviously, there are still feelings there, but it's the truth that my aim is not to change his mind.

On the other hand, I don't know whether having him around more often will help me. Maybe what I need is distance. But how do you keep your distance while maintaining a friendship? I couldn't do it with my ex, so how could I do it now, with someone who has been even more of a friend to me to start?

And then there's the job. I want so much to do well in that. I don't want to screw up. And yet there are these little details that escape my attention. I don't want to seem incomptent, but I'm also so tired.

And then there's the music. I'm not spending nearly enough time on that as I should. It's just one thing after another. I'm very tired.

Sleep, yes, sleep. That's what I'll do for now.

ups and downs

2005-10-03T23:04:00.000-04:00

The day after my birthday, I felt really low.

My friends left and suddenly, the loneliness hit. He was there. He gave me a present "with love".

Why the hell would he write that? Why now? Because now he feels comfortable?...no risk of my thinking it means more than friendship? Or is he trying to tell me something, something of the blanks that needed to be filled, something about why none of this makes sense?

The good news is that we're still really good friends. My telling him didn't ruin our friendship. I'm sooo happy about that.

But sometimes, it just all becomes too much. The window's slowly sliding down. I don't know whether I should let it down slowly or just go right ahead and slam it shut.

I really shouldn't even be wondering about any of this. He gave me the answer...not a good idea, remember? So why should I keep hoping and wondering whether my closing the door completely will end up being a mistake. It's really no longer my responsibility. It will not even be my fault.

But saying "with love" really irks me. Never before has he said anything like that, so why the hell now? It angered me, as sweet as it was. Who ever thought "love" could make you sad or angry?

God, my writing sucks lately. Partly, there hasn't been as much inspiration and I always feel like I haven't got much time to blog...so much to do.

There are times when all I want to do is call him. I miss the way we were so much. The way we used to laugh all the time! Now, there's enough to talk about, but it never feels as light-hearted as it used to.

You know what I wish?...I wish he'd change his mind. I wish he meant what he wrote in a whole other sense. I hope that he thinks of me often and that at least sometimes, he thinks about how good it might be. Because I do and I remember how good it felt when he held me to comfort me, or when he caught me while play-fighting.

But this is all getting so old. I half-wish I could just shake it off and find someone new.

the road to being happy

2005-09-18T12:10:00.000-04:00

I realize that I'm enjoying doing things by myself. I say over and over again that I don't want my happiness to be completed by someone else.

I want to accomplish what I want to accomplish, unfettered by pressures to do something for someone else.

Overall, I am pretty happy. It's really hard, though, not having someone close to share it with. I remember that I felt like this just before I met and eventually fell for my first love.

I'm beginning to think that happiness can't be separated from people. I wouldn't be happy if my friends weren't around, my family.

So basically, I'm wondering how realistic it is to think that I can be completely happy without someone who really knows me; without someone who can share intimately in the ups and downs on the road to happiness.

In the meantime, I'll just have to closely approximate that, I suppose.

starting a new life

2005-08-05T22:54:00.000-04:00

Got back recently from a trip to the U.S. of A. Had an awesome time.

I haven't been writing much lately coz I've started a new job and moved to my own apartment in the city. God, I love the city.

I'm finding that I haven't been thinking about him much at all, though occasionally, I do miss him. He's away too, for now.

I was sitting at lunch today, looking at the sky and thinking that I wanted most of all to be happy by myself, even before having him in my life. Perhaps this is all for the best, because that was my first priority anyway. :)

Hope I haven't lost all my readers. I didn't realize that it's been almost a month since I've last posted.

K, where are you? I clicked on your link, but it's been deactivated somehow. I sure hope you haven't stopped blogging. I loved reading your site.

something different

2005-07-11T23:19:00.000-04:00

I spoke to him for a bit today.

I had this suspicion that he went to this battle and didn't call me. I was going to call him, but I thought, I really need to stay home, organize, do laundry. Really, I would only go to see him. So...forget it. Turns out he did go and he asked me today if I went.

Weird. Because he usually calls to see if I'm going. Or, I'd call to see whether he's going. None of that happened.

Last week too, we pretended not to see each other at the library. I'm pretty sure he saw me. I know I saw him.

Damn it. We have to get past this. I really hope it's a phase because it really saddens me. Really, really, saddens me.

2005-07-10T21:21:00.000-04:00

A MESSAGE
(Coldplay)

my song is love
love to the loveless shown
and it goes up
you don't have to be alone

your heavy heart
is made of stone
and it's so hard to see clearly
you don't have to be on your own
you don't have to be on your own

and i'm not gonna take it back
and i'm not gonna say i don't mean that
you're the target that i'm aiming at
and i get that message home

my song is love
my song is love unknown
and i'm on fire for you clearly
you don't have to be alone
you don't have to be on your own

and i'm not gonna take it back
and i'm not gonna say i don't mean that
you're the target that i'm aiming at
and i'm nothing on my own
got to get that message home

and i'm not gonna stand and wait
not gonna leave it until it's much too late
on a platform i'm gonna stand and say
that i'm nothing on my own [well, i know i'm somethin']
and i love you, please come home

my song is love, is love unknown
and i've got to get that message home

I love you, don't you see. Not in a consuming kind of way in which I lose myself and what I'm about, but just plain love. I don't want you to feel the same way about me as you did about her. I should be loved differently. I like you with all your indecision, with all your issues, with all your fears, and with that stubborn door to your heart. I want to dance this awkward dance. I want to teach you how to move me until you're not afraid to lead. (Don't you know you already know how to move me?) I just want to see what the music does to us.

distance

2005-07-07T20:53:00.000-04:00

Today, when I woke up, I immediately thought, "I miss him."

Strange, because he hasn't gone anywhere. He's a phone call away. Less than a half hour ago, my cell rang, but I didn't pick up in time. I Googled the number and I found out that it came from a payphone right next to where he works. I thought the number looked familiar. The call came in just after he would normally finish work.

I wish I hadn't missed the call. I wish he had left a message. I know it's him. He has done this before and none of my friends are around there.

But what did I think would happen? Nothing. Though part of me is wishing that he called to chat. That he has thought things through and has changed his mind.

Funny how not thinking about someone all the time makes them seem distant. But I guess we both thought of each other today.

i wonder

2005-07-06T19:17:00.000-04:00

I wrote this in response to a comment on my previous post: Why do some people want to hold on to something that has hurt them before?

He was hurt by X. So hurt, that even now, four years later, he still had to compare what he feels about me to how he felt about her, which led him to decide that it's not a good idea.

It's as though he heard something he didn't like in what I said about relationships and it stuck there. He has mentioned to me several times that she really messed him up. His view of dating relationships as finite (and in fact with the last two that he's been interested in, he figured things wouldn't last), before giving them a chance, tells me that he's scared.

So it seems that when he heard me say that I want someone who's not going to think "this is gonna end" he translated it to "she wants something that's going to last forever with me". Who wouldn't want to find something that lasts? But no one thinks right away that this is what's in front of them.

Sometimes I wonder whether he's convincing himself that I have high expectations so that he won't have to get involved and potentially hurt himself. He has expressed that he's not ready to get his heart broken.

But why, why hang on?

I certainly don't feel about him the way I felt about my ex. Why does he need to compare? Different people = different situations = different feelings. At least that's the way I see it.

The upside to this whole thing is that I'm sleeping more soundly. So soundly that I have lots of trouble getting up. I concentrate more on books I'm reading because thoughts of what I should do about him don't tease my brain away from the words.

I was riding in the car with my brother from the station today and he joked that I'm pining over...well, let's call him B. He has no idea what I've done. He didn't think I would deal well with rejection, so he didn't think I should ask him out. The truth is, I wasn't pining at all. I was thinking about the situation, but I was feeling calm, taking in the impossible brilliance and softness of the sunlit clouds, while feeling the undercurrent of the absence of anticipation.

I do miss the tension of the unknown with regard to B. I miss the mutual feeling.

Because despite what he said, I know what I know. I know that we both felt something at the same time for quite some time. I have to trust that I'm a smart woman. It takes me a while to believe it when a connection occurs. I put my emotions through a rigorous test to weed out falsity. But time has had its way.

I knew when he left for a year that I might never get my chance. I thought that if I got to him now, while we're both single, I could beat time as it races to fill empty spaces.

More and more, I'm learning how tricky time is. It'll have its way. When you think you're ahead, it's simply because you didn't see it pass. Or maybe you took the wrong route after all. Or maybe I just had a false start.

the long-awaited update

2005-07-05T17:15:00.000-04:00

The response went like this:

'The bottom line is that I don't feel the same way about you that I felt for X.

Perhaps you will recall that the biggest mistake of my life was not going out with Y and you'll think that I'm making the same mistake again. But the difference is that she never expected me to feel that way about her. It wouldn't have lasted forever, but in the end, it would have been more of a benefit than a harm. Knowing what you think of true love and perfect relationships, it would not be the same between us at all.

You are beautiful, smart, funny, and lots of fun to be around. Under different circumstances, I would go out with you in a second.'

He went on to explain that the difference between dating someone you don't know and dating someone you do is that with an unknown person, your view of them changes everyday, so you're not leading them on.

That was the heart-cracking response.

Wow, how to explain how I feel...

Well, I still don't regret what I did. I had gotten to the point where I felt trapped. That is, that I didn't feel that I could date other people in good conscience, in case this made him feel weird in any way. I also couldn't date someone else when I really wanted to date him. I had been told, after all, by a mutual friend that he did have feelings for me. Since we hadn't talked about it, I felt this intangible cloud of questions hovering over our every interaction.

Turns out, he was wishing I would fall madly in love with someone else so that we could just be friends.

I met with him after reading his response...the very next day. I felt really insulted that he should make the assumption that I would think he's making a mistake and that I had this expectation of true love and the perfect relationship when I told him how I felt.

The problem is that through conversations we had regarding my previous break-up, I had mentioned an open-mindedness about the possibility of forever which I felt was lacking at that time. I needed to clarify that this was my expectation after almost FIVE years in a relationship. (By that time, we had already discussed a possible future.) I was rather upset that he thought I expected this of him right away. I needed him to know that I had no expectation of what might come of my telling him how I feel. I simply didn't want to let something that could make me happy pass.

I don't know whether he believes me. Admittedly, my ideal is to find that the person I'm dating isn't thinking that what we have is going to end even before giving it a sincere shot. Notice how before even dating Y, he figured it wouldn't last forever. How is that a real shot?! I understand that people can date for fun, but I don't think many people think right away, "Well, this is most likely going to end, and I'll probably break up with her, but I'll keep dating her for now"...right off the bat, without even a first date!!

I've been trying to think what exactly bothers me about his response. Naturally, I'm disappointed. I've come to realize that the reason it bothers me so much is because he never acknowledged how he feels about me now, separate from any comparison to how he felt for someone else...just me, as an individual, in real time and not in some alternate circumstance, some alternate reality that will never be.

I mean, despite what our friend said, I really wanted to hear it from him, "i.e. you mean a lot to me, and I do have feelings for you, but I don't think it would be a good idea." And now I'll never hear that from him.

That would have been nice. Now I kind of feel like I imagined the whole thing. I thought that, as friends, we could talk it all out. But in talking with him in person, he didn't have anything to say when I clarified that I wasn't expecting anything from him to start, just a chance. It felt like he just didn't want to talk about it.

reminiscing

"And the love in this case is borne out of friendship and a placid sensation of contentment at just having him around. There's a different kind of connection here that just exists and that I feel will continue to exist no matter what. I remember when I realized there was a kind of love there. I was sitting in another apartment, facing the window and dining table and it felt like the thin skin on a fruit, its fibres frayed, finally letting go, releasing scent and juice, slowly and unobtrusively. If you weren't looking, you wouldn't have seen it."

I had written that back in March 2004.

The thing is, it's so easy to just be comfortable as friends. We've talked since. A good conversation, as usual.

Before making the decision to finally tell him, I asked myself what I really think would happen. I saw nothing. I felt that perhaps in a few years, when we had both dated other people, that this might be more of a possibility.

Perhaps I was deluded, but I also felt that in the end, we'd find our way to each other, it would just take quite some time. How incredibly sad. I guess I just can't understand how two people who care for each other, support each other, but disagree enough to learn from each other could not somehow end up together.

At the same time, after enough time has passed, I know I'll date people. But I want to do it when I know I'll be open-minded about it. I just might find myself in love with someone after all and it will all have been for the best.

For now, I still have one of my best friends. He signed off with "love". And I believe it. It's there. Just not the right kind, I guess.

well now i've done it!

2005-06-25T20:28:00.000-04:00

...in writing.

I couldn't do it in person, absolutely couldn't!! We're writing people anyway, so I thought it would be ok.

Now I must check e-mail in case he has written something to me. I had asked that he e-mail just so I know it has been read.

I'm scared.

But I don't regret anything. In fact, I'm proud of myself for having done what I never thought I would do. This comes at a really good time in my life. I've been so happy lately because of a new job that will soon make my living conditions so much more suitable to my lifestyle.

I figured that if I were ever gonna do this, now's the time. I'm not going to him with a need for anything. I'm going to have work to keep me busy...fulfilling work. I just hope he's in a good place too.

I'm so nervous. He's my best friend. I'm so scared that now I've gone and ruined everything. The night before the hand-off, I cried because I missed what would now be changed forever.

I'm so incredibly scared that he won't be in my life anymore. There were two things that it came down to:

1) I really wanted to go through with it, not because I wanted to be with him (because, of course, this isn't guaranteed), but because I just wanted him to know. It's good to know, I figure, that someone cares about you so much. He should know that. I have no expectations, whatsoever. I just want him to know.

2) No matter what, it's of the utmost importance that we remain friends.

All this then led me to wonder how much I actually want a relationship with him. I mean, if friendship is the bottom line that I want for all time, why do this? ...Because I do want more, but perhaps the truth is, I care about him so unconditionally, that this is no longer the focus of this whole thing.

I find that I can't even hope for something that has to do with him just as much as it has to do with me. What I mean is, I don't want something that he doesn't want.

Especially after my last relationship, I want someone who wants me equally. I can no longer yearn for something just for me when it comes to this. He has to meet me half way.

I'm now going to check my e-mail. I'm scared silly. He's precious to me. I need him in my life because taking him away will leave a gap. It's a need that's not essential to my being, but it's there anyway. Needs can be replaced by other needs, kind of like how when your hungry, water will make you full for a while. If I can't get food from one place, I'll get it from another. I know this is true. But I want him to fulfill it---that need for a companion who knows me better than anyone else---proof in another that I exist in a very particular way.

All in all, I'm glad that I decided something and acted on it. It's the one thing in my life that hasn't just been handed to me as an opportunity to simply say 'yes' to, if I wanted. Instead, I'm handing him the opportunity, creating it, really. And that's quite fulfilling.

I find that I do feel stronger, and that, I'll never regret.

return

2005-06-11T14:43:00.000-04:00

Eep! The Ex, let's call him "X", is back for a month-long visit. He seems upset that I hadn't returned any of his e-mails. He pointed out it's been 2 years, with a hint of the implication that I should be over it and be friends already. Fuck. That made me angry. I'm sorry, but friendship after a break-up can't be pushed! He had been calling all the shots..."I'll come back after a year", "I want to keep travelling", "I still really care about you", "I want to be friends". Yeah. All you. It hurt that he really didn't get what his leaving did to me. To expect me to just be friends already seems to me such a haughty, presumptuous demand!

I had explained my need for space for an undetermined amount of time. I told him that maybe I'm one of those people who just can't be friends. I'm not sure. I hate that it makes me upset. He even said, "Well, I'm trying to be friends, it's up to you." So apparently, it'll be my fault if we're no longer friends. Great. He can't be blamed for anything. Oh, but wait, um, I'm sorry, you didn't reciprocate my efforts to communicate in order to remain together despite the distance. Technically, you did nothing wrong, merely pursuing your dreams. I can't blame you for that. I don't think I would do it either. But don't push the friendship agenda on me. That's not what I wanted, so don't make me take it. I want to ... someday, but not with it shoved in my face like this. You can't call all the shots---"I've got to go, sorry", "I'm gonna be your friend now". Oh man, it pisses me off!

Why does it upset me like this? I hate that. I want it to just slide over me.

But it upsets me because I cannot believe he has the nerve to be upset over it...to expect friendship. It shows me how much he doesn't understand my side of it at all. I know that his response to the break-up was different. In my experience, guys seem to be able to heal pretty quickly. Or, the more objective statement, is that guys deal with it differently. But at the very least, respect what I decide to do and don't get upset by it.

As one of my best friends wondered, why the hell does he feel the need to be friends with me anyway? What's the point? Let it go. I know that cutting a person off hurts, but break-ups hurt. I find myself half smirking because I'm glad I'm hurting him by not sharing my life, but the other half, it may actually be more than half, feels truly bad that I'm hurting him by not being his friend.

For some reason, his not understanding me with regard to this hurts me. I believe it's because my life had, to a great extent, included him in every aspect. HIM! A guy who couldn't really understand my emotions---who can't, even past the end. He got me in a lot of ways, but not the heart of me. And it saddens me, because I gave a lot of myself and I can't get his acceptance of how I need to deal with this, at the very least.

Then there's the other one. I called him twice. He may not have gotten the message the second time because I gave his mom the impression I would call him. But the first time, I said, "Give me a call if you get a chance." He e-mailed instead, after I e-mailed a little message. That's supposed to replace a return call?

Who the hell am I kidding, he doesn't care either. What's that book called? "He's just not that into you"? Maybe it's time I face facts and forget it altogher.

we had a magical time

2005-05-30T21:16:00.000-04:00

...except that one of my best friends was with us and at times I felt like they had more of a connection than we two had that day. You know how there are little touches here and there, like how you say something while lightly touching the other's elbow? Well, that's what was happening, but not with me. Man, was I ever jealous about the elbow thing.

I was feeling myself withdraw as we sat for pints, but luckily, I was having such a good time overall that the feeling didn't take over. Later in the night, I was teaching him a dance and I loved the way he held me, the way he was looking at me. At times, across the table, I'd catch his eye.

I still have no idea. I am no doubt frustrating my readers. I'm sorry.

At the end of the night, I definitely felt like we were getting closer, after we were left alone. It was a creeping in of warmth, so subtle that I almost doubt it. Unfortunately, I had to leave so suddenly coz I had to be picked up from the subway. I can't help but wonder what would've happened. I can't help but ask why God let it happen that way.

It's so weird how I felt strange writing "God" just then. I felt like I'd alienate people who read this somehow. But that's what I thought. I guess, deep down, I still believe that there's a purpose for everything...God, destiny, a grand order.

I really want him in my life. Is it that something continues to stop us because there's still a bit of hesitation? Lately, it's been feeling like we're getting closer to something. I really, really hope that this works out. Please, oh please.

collide

2005-05-14T23:41:00.000-04:00

We went out a few nights ago. I kept searching and searching for signs. I can't believe how dejected I felt when he mentioned this girl friend of his that I believe he became close to while he was away. I had to fight hard to shake it off. After all, he has liked me all this time, she's just a friend. But I'm so insecure about this whole thing. It's stupid. I can have guy friends. He can have girl friends. It's just that he's not with me right now. Not yet sure whether he ever will be.

I successfully shook it off though, and I was fine after the show.

We had a wonderful time at the pub. Recalling the night with a friend, I realized how great it really was. We talked about those strange things that people on dates talk about...obscure observations that we share a mutual understanding about. You know, those things that you say because you know it triggers something in the other; because you know it attracts them. Except that I didn't know I was doing it until after replaying it in my head the night after. I also barely noticed he was doing it until the replay.

If it were a real date, it was a damn good one, ensuring a next. But we were just hanging out as friends. And a next time is assured.

At the start of the evening, as we ate, I was looking at his face thinking, "This guy? Seriously? What do you see in him? Can you really see yourself with him?" The thing is, it doesn't matter what my answers are to these questions. I was just seeing him there, in front of me. I didn't need to answer them, in fact, I forgot the questions in very little time. I just know how I feel. Period. The end.

Incidentally, I found myself looking at his lips, wondering how kissing them would work. It's been ages since I've kissed someone.

update?

2005-05-07T00:19:00.000-04:00

I haven't told him yet. Haven't changed my mind though.

Like I've mentioned, I've got a specific plan for the whole thing. Of course, I know the plan may not really work out. If I happen to spit the words out before I thought I would, I'm good with that too.

This week has been great though. You know how sometimes you have those convesations that are familiar, but just a tad hesitant? That's what it was like. Interesting and slightly sweet. He called so many times, unexpectedly this week, with invitations to go out, too. Things are looking good.

I could be writing the opposite in a week, but for now, man, is it awesome!! I sure hope things remain this way. I've gotten quite giddy on occasion. I'm enjoying it immensely while it lasts.

i can't believe i still haven't changed my mind

2005-04-28T18:46:00.000-04:00

I'm gonna do it...gonna tell him.

We were hanging out a few days ago. There he was, cute as always. Laughing his head off over words. It was great! And I kept thinking, "I'm crossing that line. He has no idea. This could all end. And he has no idea what's coming."

And it seems almost impossible that he will reciprocate. I haven't seen any indication of it lately.

Since making the decision, though, I haven't worried about it as much. It's nice having control of something. Knowing something is coming is better than wondering what life will bring.

I still think about whether I should change my mind, though. Look at all that will change! Could be for something even better. But it could also not be. It could be weird. It may never be the same.

We sat there, free of tension. It was simply nice. And I wondered whether he was thinking of me at all in that way as he spoke. I wondered, when we alluded to the night he told a friend how he feels about me, whether he recalled their conversation in a flash, just as it flashed in my head. It was funny. We were talking about this guy and whether or not he was in this commercial. He didn't believe he was but I said that he actually admitted it. He didn't hear this because he was out talking to our friend while I was talking to the guy. Just as he told me he didn't know about the admission, I realized why and we both looked down at the menus.

I also sent him an e-mail with something funny, but sexual in it. I do this with my friends all the time, but have been careful not to do this to him. I think I may have scared him...no clever quip returned.

Oh man, the things coming to him, and he has no idea. I sure hope I'm not making a mistake. I wish I could read his actions more, but I know I can't really know what he's thinking. We've been steering clear of this topic for 3 years almost, I'm sure we've become good at not being obvious.

Here's hoping that I don't turn back. So far, I haven't changed my mind and it's almost 2 wks since I've made the decision. I haven't acted because there's a rather specific timing involved.

a rainy morning..well, afternoon now

2005-04-23T13:28:00.000-04:00

sitting in my room. listen to harry connick jr.'s "come by me" cd. haven't listened to that guy in a while.

such the drama with my mom this morning. she's stressing herself out and i got frustrated. my tone went up. shouldn't do that. she's the sweetest thing ever. all's good now. i apologized and explained my frustration.

hmm...mr. connick's putting me in a calmer mood. reminds me of calmer days of day-dreaming.

strange that i should be quite content today, a rainy day. normally, i'd feel all depressed. nice.

something strange

make a choice

2005-04-18T22:51:00.000-04:00

sometimes i feel like i'm getting really close to deciding to tell him. today, i felt myself getting nervous in anticipation of the next time i see him. will i tell him? i wish i knew. i can decide to then change my mind at the last second.

i just don't want life to pass me by, without my having any say in it.

this is really pathetic

2005-04-13T21:44:00.000-04:00

ok. this is really pissing me off now. just when i vow to just keep going, to look on the bright side of things; just when i'm feeling pretty good, he has to go and seem like he cares, and then just when excitement creeps up, he says something that makes me go, "what the hell? so, it's like you care and then now you're all nonchalant."

like fuck, seriously, if you're gonna care, care. follow through, damn it! i care sooo much and you say you do too. and then, due to some strange train of thought, no doubt, it's like you've gotten scared again, or uncertain. fuck!

i want so much to just be able to let this go. i don't know how. maybe i'll get so fed up (and more frequently, i feel this way) and i'll drop it. and say 'fuck you' to all your pseudo-caring.

it's just so hard to shake off! i want this to stop. the feelings, i mean. i don't want to care so much. why do i?

i no longer understand why it's not simple. people like each other and go out. why is it easier to go out with someone you don't even like and may not even be all too interested in? i just don't get it!! it doesn't make sense AT ALL!! you see someone in some random place, he gives you his no., you give him yours, you call and off you go in a date. with someone you don't even like. then the one guy that you deeply care about and who really cares about you can't be the same person you go out with. NO SENSE!!

but i can't shake it because i feel like i haven't done much either, not having initiated THE conversation. but why me? why me when he supposedly isn't sure. will our talking clarify my doubts and his doubts. there will always be doubt. why does this doubt have to take over in this case?

scared of not thinking

2005-04-11T21:10:00.000-04:00

I've been so busy at work lately that I fortunately have not had much time to think. I know I posted not too long ago about thinking about things again, but I really don't do it much during the day.

As a result, I get these periods where I'm actually happy. I was so busy last Friday and felt like I was really getting things accomplished, that I felt fulfilled.

And then I got scared...scared because I'm afraid that if I stop thinking of him all the time, someone will snatch him from me. I haven't heard from him, nor has he heard from me, in almost a week. It's been really busy, probably for the both of us. I know that a week isn't much. It has happened before, but only on rare occasions. Still, I realize how bad it is that I get so antsy. I haven't wanted to talk to anyone lately though, so it's not just him that I'm avoiding. I get home and I'm so tired from talking that I just want to sit quietly.

Point is, I see that I'm afraid to stop worrying because I feel like this is my guard against blaming myself that I didn't keep watch. If he slips away, I might blame myself for allowing it to happen.

I know that this isn't true, though. Thinking isn't going to stop what changes might come our way from happening. It's just scary, that's all. It's scary to allow myself to be happy because that might bring change...change away from him.

But I'm better than this situation. I'm successful at my job. I've got personal goals I want to accomplish. People respect me and my opinions. Outside of this blog, I appear rather responsible...adult, dare I say.

I think it's time I let go of the mind trap. Letting go of this stressor doesn't mean I'll lose him. It just means I'll be happier, presenting a better person to the world. Yes, I might turn around to find that he's no longer there. But I'll probably be in a better place anyway and it won't seem so bad. Besides, he will be there. It'll just be a matter of what role he'll play.

I'm really scared though. I miss him already and the way he was there. I wonder whether we'll drift or grow closer later, when we're both at a better place. It's probably good that we haven't seen or heard from each other in a bit. Give me space to worry about myself.

Did I mention I'm scared? And a little sad? I long for those youthful days when I worried about a quiz.

And I'm a little excited. Who knows what comes next?

another side of me

2005-04-09T20:45:00.000-04:00

I like taking pics. This is one of them. More and more I'm seeing amazing photoblogs. I just might create a new link in the sidebar for a few favorites. You can click to enlarge this one.

out again

2005-04-09T18:54:00.000-04:00

Went out again last night. Out to a club. More and more I'm thinking I might drop the whole scene. I'm not a big clubber. I mean, I like to dance, but I don't go to pick up. But, my girlfriends really like to dance and they're so much fun to be with, that I don't mind going.

Unfortunately, last night, I was so tired to begin with and didn't even bother getting all dolled up. So, there were times when I felt sub-par. They all attracted guys, well, I guess we all did. There was this group of nice guys in particular (by this I mean they weren't 'gropy'). One of my friends started talking to one of them and soon we were all dancing in a group. There was this one guy that was kind of my type. Quiet, slightly awkward, as though the club isn't his scene. But I found myself not engaging in conversation on purpose. I didn't make much eye contact with anyone at all. I didn't want a repeat of last weekend.

Eventually, I sat out all the last tracks...I'd say it was for a good 45 mins. that I just sat by myself. More and more I started to wonder what exactly is going on with me.

The scene continued to amuse me, as I do love observing, but then I wondered at my immediate block. It's due to him, of course, but I really wanted to know why.

Why do I keep hanging on? Part of me wants to just go right ahead and ruin the friendship. If either of us starts going out with someone, our friendship will be different, anyway. Isn't it ruined already? Actually, it's not. If I don't go there, it'll be easier to remain friends.

So why don't I just go out with someone else? Because I'm afraid that that's all he's waiting for. That's when he'll know for sure that I no longer think of him that way. We're a lot alike. If he ever goes out with anyone, that'll be my definitive sign that all is gone.

So, should I drop it? Just move on?, especially because talking about it will mean changing everything forever (in a bad way if all does not go right)? If I'm willing to do that, what has our friendship really meant then? But if we don't try, then all we have is friendship and maybe that's our destiny.

It's hard to know right now which path I will regret. But part of me wonders whether I'm deluding myself into thinking that there's a possibility for the outcome I want.

checking in

2005-04-07T00:15:00.000-04:00

sleepy. must sleep, but eyes attached to the net.

funny how spring brings a renewed hope. but then, a fear, too, in case the hope never materializes.

but my is it ever beautiful out. it's a strange phenomenon...the way light can make everything seem better, the way it can make your mind feel free. maybe it just illuminates everything and we become distracted.

how great and bright life can be.

well, this is a pretty haphazard post. but i just felt like posting without much to say.

oh where, oh where will life take me...

why, oh why, do i go to clubs?!

2005-04-04T21:17:00.000-04:00

I've been going clubbing almost every weekend lately. It's been a lot of fun, going out with the girls, looking good (oh yeah, we know it!).

I don't go to pick up. I finally decided to try exchanging info with this one guy who didn't talk to me at all except for telling me that I'm really pretty (oh the flattery!). I was honest. I told him I would have to think about contacting him. He e-mailed and I realized I didn't want to go out with him. Or anybody for that matter.

My friends are scared that I'm stuck on the guy I keep going on and on about in this blog. Truth is, this is true. I always think that if someone comes along that makes me think about him a few times, I just might be lured away. You know, it's that whole idea that if I'm not getting what I need, eventually, I'll turn to someone else. I sure hope this is true.

Anyway, I have to say that I CANNOT stand it when guys think they can just grab your ass because you're at a club. Seriously people, wait until we at least make eye contact that seems to say, "come hither." It really, really angered me.

Not every guy is like this, of course. I've had guys just dance with me...no touching I didn't want. I liked that. One night though, holy shit, there was a hand sliding up my thigh 2 minutes into the club.

So why do I go? Who the hell knows. Well...the attention has to be part of it. It's an ego boost knowing I can turn heads, but then I think that for the most part, the guys that do notice just want a quick fix. This is the way it has seemed from my perspective. Sorry for the sweeping generalization. It's like they just want to stick things up things. Ugh!

This past weekend really made me irritated, though. I hate how those hoity-toity clubs aren't even tactful about letting in the people they obviously think belong to their "clientele". You know, you're standing in the supposed guest line and then you see 50 people chit chat with the bouncer and in they go! All this when the club's supposed to be at capacity. GRRRR....!

Really, though, I'm this close to never setting foot in those dressier clubs. Give me a place where I can wear sneaks!!

happy easter

2005-03-27T14:23:00.000-05:00

Though I now struggle to keep believing that there is a God who listens to me, that is out to make sure I'm ok, I have to admit that in church today, I was clinging to certain messages that things will all work out. When I was younger, I would pray and no longer worry about anything. I once declared to my mom that I am not worried about anything at all.

Now, everything is different. And it's really this frustration that's borne from an anxiety about what the future will bring that's at the root of it all.

It's an absolutely lovely day today. For the past couple of mornings, I've been awakened by the warmth of the morning sun kissing me. I've opened the window a crack to let a cool breeze in, perfectly balancing the warmth. I could hear a number of birds and this reminds me of waking up at a camp site.

It's spring! And I feel it! And I marvel at the ability of nature to awake feelings of renewal in everyone. The weather gets warmer, the sun's out longer and suddenly, everything becomes bearable. It seems like such a ruse! I could see it two ways:

a) This is a temporary glimmer of happiness. The things that worried me are still there. They've been put aside for the moment until I the weather says it's time to brood.

b) The things I worried about should not have caused that much worry to begin with. If they were HUGE issues, nothing, not even sunlight and birds, could take them away.

In reality, it's probably a mix of both.

But there is a stirring in me. I'm afraid to get excited in case it's taken away from me. I'm still watchful of signs (as I like to deem them) so that I can be warned against impending disappointment. It's not a good way to live. If you're looking for negative signs, it's really easy to put a negative spin on even the most beautiful thing---like looking really closely at a gorgeous blossom and realizing that there's a scratch on its otherwise silken petal. The whole thing is near-perfection and yet once you see the scratch, you can't quite forget about it because you've been looking for the perfect blossom; how can you take anything less now that you have the knowledge that all isn't what you thought it was?

I dunno, I dunno. I try not to think too much and to go with the moments when I'm enjoying the now.

i feel as though i must apologize

2005-03-21T22:58:00.000-05:00

...though it strikes me as somewhat odd. I didn't start this blog so that I could write for others, but I've appreciated the visits and the feedback that let me know I'm not alone.

I'm still sorting through a lot of things. Not everything is where I want it to be. But I'm having a great time with my girlfriends, and there are days when I feel closer to something wonderful. In those moments I glimpse the independent woman I know I will be. Independent enough to love without fear of losing, independent enough to risk with hope.

nothing much new

2005-03-08T21:13:00.000-05:00

Everytime I decide to write here, it's because I'm feeling really strongly about the topic that always comes up here...my love life. I feel badly about this because readers get a really one-sided view. I sound like a broken reacord. Basically, this blog is like the conversations I have with my friends minus the info about all the other stuff in my life. Yes, I do have other thoughts, but I did get this blog listed under the Dating and Relationships section of the Blogscanada directory, so at the very least, it fills that little niche.

I'm just getting over being sick. I know that in a way, I made myself sick. I mean, I milked it for all it was worth, including days off, because I needed a lot of thinking time. Maybe I am experiencing some sort of SAD. I really didn't want to get up to go to work, but I did get out of bed to ponder a lot.

I want my life to mean something. I want to wake up and be really, really excited about going out into the world. So, I'm going to get really detailed and practical about what I want to change and how to get there---the career I want, the apartment (maybe condo?) that I want...

The only part I feel no control over is my love life. And I know that therapists, counsellors, etc. will say that this is something I have control over. But seriously, I was brought up in a very conservative household. I never adhered to conservative beliefs, but I find that habits with regard to saying how I feel in this department are very hard to overcome. Girls just don't tell boys how they feel. The man makes the first move. I don't actually believe in this. I greatly admire women who take charge in this department (and in many other areas of their lives) and go for what they want. I have asked for raises, negotiated hours, stood my ground when I haven't agreed with higher-ups, but I cannot, CANNOT tell him how much I feel about him. I don't understand it. I feel so caged in. It's insane. I just cannot face the possibility that despite how he feels about me, it's just not something he wants to pursue.

So, I either confront this or let it go. I'm discovering more and more that I can do neither. He's here. He's in my life. As soon as I decide not to do anything, he picks up the slack, as though reading my mind, as though knowing I want him to initiate phone calls, meetings, communications. How can I let go of someone who just seems to know? But best friends know. None of this means that his feelings for me are growing. It just means that he cares as a really, really good friend.

My reaction is to just try not to think about it. I'm hoping that my head will clear enough for me to know what to do if I just back off for a while. But like I said, it's as if he has read my mind. He's there as if on cue.

I'm trying to decide just to let it go. I feel as though, with time, I will become convinced of the futility of this wait. But I'm hoping that in the time it takes me to get to this point, he'll come around and let go of whatever it is that makes him uncertain.

That's another reason I can't just tell him how I feel...I already know he isn't sure about asking me out to due some mystery reason.

The strong woman in me says, "Well, you don't need a man who doesn't know that he wants you. You want someone who wants you 100%."

But the one who knows him says. Well, if he's not completely ready, I understand. I mean, he's been through a lot. He doesn't want to ruin something so good now. Friendship can last forever, but we all know relationships don't always.

And then I realize that I'm once again in the all-too-familiar mind-trap. "Welcome" says my friend the dark wall in my head.

whee!

2005-02-28T15:35:00.000-05:00

A day off for I am sick!! My throat is sore and I've got a good chest cough going.

But that's good, because I feel as though I need a day to regroup.

Man, I'm really having a hard time letting go. Fuck! This blog has gotten so boring with the stupid loop in my head. Ha ha! Somehow the loop begins to have break beats attached to them...awesome!

I'm also still addicted to the computer. I always think that I have to stop.

The good thing about today, though is that I played a couple songs on the piano that I'm thinking of performing sometime. Too bad I can't ask anyone who's going to read this to come check out the gig. That's what sucks about anonymity.

Funny, I have to be careful what to say regardless of whether people know who I am or not. I couldn't speak my mind all the time if I knew that certain people would read this. But, even now that no one knows who I am, I still have to watch that I don't reveal to much.

Oh, this cage, this pretty cage.

Sometimes I wish I didn't really care. Another bad thing is that I don't want people I work with to know this much about me. I do so wonder how other people do it.

More and more, I long to express myself freely, but I find that being brought up to keep private things private, it's really hard for me to do.

On a happier note, I've been keeping myself thoroughly busy, dancing, working, going out with the gals, meeting a few new interesting people here and there, immersing myself in various music scenes. Life really has been quite good. I am rather happy that I'm probably sick from being tired all the time, living life!

Still, the love life isn't going well. I just feel trapped. My brain feels trapped. There isn't anything more I could do to let him know that I really, really like him. Besides, he has already been told. So...he just doesn't like me enough, right? Or is he not saying anything for the same reasons I'm not? A strange stubbornness borne from fear. Fear of what? Fear of not knowing what may come of it.

It's really difficult. And, to be honest, I'm not interested in anyone else, though I have recently enjoyed meeting guys and getting enough attention to boost my ego and spirits. Even exchanged info with this one guy. Before giving it to him, though, I told him that I would really have to think about contacting him because I don't really meet guys at clubs. I just dance with them and talk to them.

I will make more of an effort to post. I do miss it.

uncertainty

2005-02-24T19:18:00.000-05:00

I think that a large part of the lack of posts here is that I've been making more of an effort to stop thinking about the same issues all the time.

I do miss this blog, though.

I feel myself letting go, and there's peace to be found. It's scary though. You just never know what things come about when you let go, or where you'll find yourself. I'm just afraid that letting go will mean letting go of him. I don't think that this is necessarily what will happen, but it feels as if, as long as I keep worrying about that and thinking of him, I can't be blamed for letting something bad slip through.

But if I stop worrying, and he fades away, and our friendship isn't the same, I'll be partly to blame. It will be a worse feeling if he ends up with someone else.

Yes, yes, I know, I, too, can end up with someone else. But I don't want to. I can see myself becoming attracted to other people. As fun as this is, I will miss him.

I'm struggling to get back to the way it was. A futile and stupid effort, I know. But I know that's behind the worry. It's silly. I'm smart enough to know this. Time keeps going, people keep going. Letting go will mean progress in one way or another. I just don't want to progress away from him.

Oy, me so obsessive, ya? Only love makes me this way. So it sounds like this is all rather unhealthy, which is why I keep reminding myself to make myself happy first. Maybe when I'm happy, he's near anyway. I'm beginning to see that worry doesn't equal having him closer. I'm really just farther away from the worry.

I sure can be silly.

But even smart people need that, right?

But there are still many, many times when I wonder, "What's it gonna take to get you to ask me out?" EVERYONE thinks something's up. So, naturally, it frustrates me. I'm handing it out on a silver platter---hanging out one-on-one, with plenty of opportunity for "the talk". But nothing. Is it just because we're edging our way cautiously? I really am out of ideas.

I just feel as though after all the effort trying to keep the last one here, I want to know that this new one REALLY wants me. I'm worth asking out, so why doesn't he? But the struggle is...I know he, too, has been hurt before, so maybe he also needs to know that he's wanted.

So maybe little by little, at this soap opera pace, we'll get there. If not, I will still be happy anyway.

my first post of the new year

2005-02-13T12:12:00.000-05:00

Wow. It sure has been a long absence.

I am in a much better state, with glimpses of the way I felt before I became such a muddle of thoughts.

I have to say that my resolve to make every second be as good as it can be has helped me a lot. It was instrumental in the earlier stages of digging myself out of this.

Now, certain thoughts still bother me, but they don't hurt me the way they used to. I can still, generally, shake them off much more easily now.

I long to be the person that I was once described to be..."You don't seem to care about impressing other people. You're pretty secure in who you are."

That's the new goal. Isn't that everybody's goal? More so for me.

I still really want something with him---the new guy, one of my best friends. The thought that bugs me most is that if he really wants this for us, he would make his move. I think I've done my part in ensuring that he knows how I feel (through action, rather than through words). If, his "like" grows to be anything more, I figure he'll let me know. But there's only so much I can do that's within my nature...before I feel like the effort is greater on my part than on his. If he isn't ready, as I'm told, talking to him won't make him any more ready. He has asked others out before me. I know it's not coz he's ultra shy. I want someone who's going to take a chance on me.

I was talking to a friend for whom there's this flow of reciprocal acts. I used to have that with this guy. Maybe the possibility of reality has scared us both. I don't think I'm not to blame at all. But we're a lot alike. My fears are probably his fears. Our actions are probably motivated by the same underlying factors. So, as I've said before, (I think I've said this) maybe we're not ready for each other yet. Maybe it requires us to see other people and, if we find ourselves back where we are, then, we won't be scared to take the plunge.

But I really don't want to let go. But maybe it's not my decision to make. Maybe it'll just happen. It's the way life goes, you can't hang on. It's not good for you.

He is so incredibly special to me. I love hearing his thoughts. And it's obvious that mine are important to him as he seeks them with regard to what's most important to him. He inspires me to do better, and, I hope that I at least encourage him to do the same.

I can understand the fear of not wanting to change this. It's really, truly wonderful the way it is. My greatest fear is to have to someday watch him turn to someone else. I'll have lost this really important part of my life. So, my solution is to give something more a try.

It seems that his solution is not to do so unless he's sure, in case we lose this in the end. Two sides of the same coin, really.

Someone has to flip this coin someday, and we just both have to yell out the same word---heads or tails. Then, it'll all work out.

But, I am definitely happier now. I'm especially glad that the happiness that comes my way has nothing to do with someone else, especially not a guy. After having one take so much of that away, I want to get most of it back by myself. Well, not really by myself, there are always people involved, but you know what I mean.

I think I'm edging closer to eventually ending this feeling of being in transit all the time. Little by little, I'm optimistic that I'll figure it out. Actually, I believe that I will.

thoughts for the new year

2004-12-31T19:56:00.000-05:00

Everytime I sit down to type, I don't feel like it anymore.

But I thought I would make an effort while I'm ripping CDs.

I haven't been very happy lately. I've been terribly short-tempered, particularly toward my mom who seems to want so badly to just hang out with me. Isn't it always the case that we hurt the ones we love most? It must be some strange way of punishing ourselves. That way, I can hate myself more for being such a bitch.

I extend my meanness toward my dad, who doesn't usually get the brunt of anything because he's such a quiet man. I do this because I don't want to let my mom feel that anyone escapes my bad mood---in a twisted way, I do this to be fair.

I've been watching more movies lately and immersing myself in books. I'm looking for words of wisdom; something to get me out of this mess.

I watched Garden State last night, and the main character began to feel again after coming off medication. The trouble is, that I'm not on medication, but I have felt numb for months now. The worst part, which is, perhaps, I can't tell, different from being medicated, is that I can feel my numbness.

I've lost a passion for many things. Nothing makes me happy or smile for any extended period of time. I know that I don't want to kill myself, but sometimes, I think that that's where that whole kind of thing starts. I wonder how it is people get that way. I have a family and friends who love me and look out for me, but a lot of the time, I feel lonely.

I sound depressed, don't I? Maybe I should be medicated. But, in truth, I haven't lost hope that I can get myself out of this. Nothing I've been through is so terrible that I can't get through it.

And there I go again. Mom interrupted me and I snapped at her. I could have just said I need a half hour. Fuck!

I watched Conan and that made me laugh. Watched Last Samurai...ICK! But, there was beauty in some scenes. Unfortunately, beauty that I don't feel is mine; that doesn't stick with me anymore.

How weak am I that I am like this without anything to blame it on?...no death, no abuse, no physical pain...What should happen to me if something bad does happen? I used to be called brave and strong. I'm neither of those things now.

I'm trying my best stop this and leave it behind for the new year. At midnight, I will toast to my family. I will hug them and kiss them and mean every act. And then there will be no special phone call to greet me, nor will there be anyone for me to call.

Everything is temporary. But I want so much for something to mean something that doesn't have to have meaning.

I want my job to have meaning. I want something to be mine. I want to believe in the good I do for all those people that I help, though in usually small ways, everyday. But it's like I don't have the conviction to believe in what I do for them. I really need this "strength of conviction" that I seem to have lost somehow.

Is it in the loss of independence? I do feel trapped. As though this is it. I've barely started my new job and already I know it's not my place. But that place I want to be seems so distant. I don't have the money to pursue my own dreams. At the same time, I know that I have never invested ALL that I could in its pursuit. The stupid part is that I know part of the reason I didn't is to be with someone I loved. And here again, I find myself waiting.

Is this bad for me? Which route will I regret more? Will it ever all come together?

Maybe I'm afraid of commitment. In a grander sense. I wait for a natural solution to things without risking all of me. Maybe my life has just been a series of half-starts. I may say this is because I don't want to close any doors, but perhaps it is that I don't want to blame myself if any door locks behind me.

And suddenly, I'm not so sure what to do. I'm in this bland world all by myself and I don't know what to do with it. I want to get out. I know that I have the power to do this. Only I can change my own view.

I'm fully aware that my life is too short to be spent in sadness. I can make every future second count for something, even if it is just to make someone else smile.

I loved that line from the play, Time of Your Life: "In the time of your life, live, so that in that sweet time there shall be no death for you or for any life your life touches."

I didn't know then how difficult it would be to live by that.

What I don't understand is why this weakness in me is manifesting itself now. Well, I have a theory. It's because I've been separated from someone I loved dearly. And now that there isn't someone immediately there to fill the void, I find myself having to deal with everything on my own.

In truth, I haven't been on my own in a long time. A relationship that lasted almost five years WILL have its impact.

I have prayed for many things. My deepest wish, though I'm not sure that I have prayed for this, is that I learn to be happy on my own. I know, deep down, that this is the only way in which I can be strong again. It's only when I'm whole and know what to do with myself that I'll be able to love life, my family, my friends, other people, completely again.

I'm fighting everyday. It seems such a crybaby problem when people are dying and are experiencing tragedies so much greater than this.

But I wonder whether a personal tragedy, though small, might not be so great as a tsunami, an earthquake. I've never been one to believe that one's problems may be compared to another's. I've always been careful to remember that each person carries his/her own background and set of influences that compound one's reaction to a difficulty.

But, it's a new year. There is the possibility for good that comes with every second, and with it, the possibility for love and beauty. EVERY SECOND!! If I can smile in the next second, it's my duty to try.

It's just so hard right now. But I promise to try.

merry whateveritisthatyoucelebrate!

2004-12-27T21:48:00.000-05:00

I celebrate Christmas. It's been up and down for me. I never used to be one to ascribe to the belief that the holidays are difficult. But here I am! I've joined the club.

Whatshisname and I are still good friends. He calls me, we hang out. I don't know exactly where this is going or if it'll go anywhere. You'd think it would be simple now. Boy meets girl, they like each other and give it a shot. Boys and girls, do not become friends with someone you could fall for, that is, if you can help it.

Anyway, as punishment for my being a coward and having someone else do the talking for me, I don't know what exactly was said during "the conversation" and 2 tellings of the story brought up different connotations.

That he likes me is still certain. He's been thinking of asking me out for as long as he has known me, pretty much. Those are the only things I am certain about. Is he still not sure about jumping into a relationship? Was that just my friend's interpretation? Or was that the reason he gave for not acting so far? Meaning that he's getting there.

Some friends say that I may not want to wait around, wasting my time. I'm not sure whether I want to give it up just yet.

There is one thing I know for sure. I want to feel whole again. I want to feel happy and absorbed in the things I do. I want to look up at the sky more and feel delight at that shade of blue. I want to be carried away by books and music like I once was. I want this dark hole that's in me and that keeps making itself felt when my mind finally clears of thoughts to be filled with happiness again.

And, since that's the only thing I can be sure of. I'll have to go with that.

here i am again

2004-12-15T22:15:00.000-05:00

I find myself in that same emotional slump that I fall into almost every night. Tonight I feel it more acutely.

I just don't know what to do about him.

What is it that he's waiting for? Are his actions a way to make up for not being able to date me? Or are they a way of feeling out the situation, letting me know that he's trying to better himself so that one day we can be together?

I don't know which it is. I don't know what to do. He is incredibly important to me. And if I destroy anything, I couldn't ever forgive myself. I want to decide to just let this lie. To forget about it. Don't they say that if someone doesn't jump at the chance to have a relationship with you, it means they're just not interested in that way? Are there ever really any exceptions to that?

Maybe I'm being stupid. Maybe it's crazy for me to even hope. What should I do? Talk to him about it. What, so that I can just get my heart trampled on? That must be what I believe to be the truth---that he simply doesn't want this. Otherwise, won't I have a more positive outlook? Wouldn't I take the care he seems to have shown toward me to mean something hopeful? Or am I just protecting myself by thinking negatively?

I no longer know. I have reached the end of my ability to decipher anything to do with this.

First and foremost, we are friends. But I find myself wondering whether to even call him or ask him to go out; just in case it brings on a conversation in which he makes it clear that this means nothing more to him than friendship.

But he has asked me to do stuff. But again, is it simply because he feels bad that he can't give me what I want? Or is it because he's showing me he likes me but needs time to work things out?

I'm so scared that in the time it takes for us to get to where I would like us to be, someone else will find her way into his heart. I'm so scared of that. Because I know how much it will hurt.

Above all, though, I want to remain his friend. But what do you do when it's so hard to be that? I'm afraid of losing that most of all.

So I need to come to a decision. Maybe I just need to let go. To stop thinking about this. I've made that decision repeatedly, and everytime, he does something that gives me hope. But again, maybe that's just friendship.

I need to just be his friend. It's just so hard. I'm suppressing feelings that, at the end of the night, make me cry.

Maybe I'm just too fragile for all of this right now? Maybe all this is too soon? But I want to be ready soon. I don't want to turn my head and find that it's too late. Time has already robbed me of too much and has hurt me too much.

I feel so frustrated, and so alone.

i want a day off

2004-12-14T22:49:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, I want to get sick just so that I can get a day off and not have to lie about it.

I feel like I've written that already. I probably have already told someone that already.

And sometimes I wish I could break out of my normal, more silent nature to let the important people (ok, him) know that what they so admire in others lies within me too. That all the admirable miniatures glimpsed in others' words have been thought by my own mind before. That I, too, see things in my own unique way. That perhaps I, too, have written things that would surprise and impress and ring true.

But I can't. If I revealed all it would be for the wrong reasons, as if to say, "See, see, I can do that too. In fact I've done it before. Hey, hey, you! Look here!" It's so pathetic.

Sometimes I wonder what those closest to me would think of what I write here.

and yet i am still single

2004-11-27T21:21:00.000-05:00

So the thing is, the reason I know he likes me is because a friend spoke to him about it. I was scared shitless. I figured he would think, 'awww...poor odd, she likes me and i don't like her. but that's ok, we're still friends.'

It turns out, he has liked me for as long as I've liked him. The problem seems to be fear. Fear of ruining something so good in the midst of uncertainty.

I can't rush this. I know I'm so scared myself. I know that I keep thinking that anything can happen between this revelation and its potentially wonderful conclusion.

He may decide that this isn't a good idea after all.

I now also have proof that it doesn't help me to know he feels the same way about me because I still wonder daily whether something has happened to change that. Though, deep inside, I know it hasn't changed.

I think that I was hurt deeply enough the last time that words aren't enough. I've heard words that mean so much one moment and then mean only memories the next. I place no trust in them.

This, of course, led me to think that perhaps I am not so prepared as I thought for another relationship.

Does this mean I shouldn't have one? I don't necessarily think so. Perhaps this just happens when you've been hurt too much already. You second-guess, you pull away, you're scared to look him in the eye too long because it makes you vulnerable and too exposed.

I want this. There isn't a question about it. But I know that I do things that perhaps betray how scared I am and so it's hard for either of us to get in the mood to talk about it.

But, I continue to have a great time with him. I think he knows I know that he knows and that I know that feels the same.

Now it's just a matter of time, right? Until we learn, perhaps, how to be more than friends and ease our way into things? I'm hoping so. It's like there's a delicate crystal between us and we're afraid to touch it in case it breaks and we can't put it back the same way.

I still feel helpless most of the time, though. I'm impatient even though I like things slow like this. I'm impatient for the time all falls into place. But I know I can't do anything to rush the most natural outcome.

It really sucks that I can't even enjoy this tentative, exciting dance. I danced this before and it ended with me being hurt. It's hard for me to enjoy what I know should be making me soar.

2004-11-13T01:16:00.000-05:00

he likes me.

...

2004-11-08T21:56:00.000-05:00

it sucks that i've gotten keeping a smile on my face down to an art. almost every night, i've cried. except for saturday and sunday night.

i know that it doesn't all have to do with this current situation. i know that a significant part of it has to do with picking at a scab that hasn't completely healed, even though what has caused the itch is different.

i'm just not so strong right now, i don't think. i don't take the thought of impending loss very well. so, naturally, i think "catastrophe" right away.

i don't get e-mails from him like i used to although he's around now. i do see him often enough, though. i guess it's a trade off. i wish i knew how much of this negative feeling comes from the fact that i expected it to be the same as before he left. a lot of it has to do with that, i bet.

i hate the sadness. i'm getting better at not letting it get me down all day. the effort it takes to keep everything at bay---enough so i can concentrate on work---is very tiring. i wish i didn't have to do this. how long is it going to take before i can truthfully say that i'm happy again?

i wish i had these answers. i wish that someone could tell me that in the end, he'll be there. i wish that leaving it up to fate, God, whatever you wanna call it, means that it'll all work out the way i want it to. but none of this can be guaranteed. it's the beauty of life, supposedly, all this drama. but sometimes, a lot lately, i get tired. really tired.

when something inside you dies

2004-10-31T20:09:00.000-05:00

I haven't had inspiration from much lately. And it feels like too much work to find strength from within.

Maybe it's the weather? I'm not entirely sure.

Nothing gets me very excited. I think maybe I expected too much.

Most things are pretty bland lately. I've never been one to get really depressed but I suppose it could start with various triggers. I'm not saying that's where I'm at, but I do wonder why it is that something really feels like it has died in me. It feels like there's a dark place. Like I'm losing someone, some place, that I'll never get back. I hate letting go. It feels like giving up. I hate giving up. I hate just having to accept things that I'm not happy about. "Be true to who you are", they say, but what if being true to who you are doesn't seem to work for you?

I don't think there's anything essentially wrong with me. But there are certain things I cannot do. There are certain things that I cannot change.

And it's just dark and sad, and more often than I have in a while, I feel like crying.

i'm taking a poll of sorts

2004-10-21T21:10:00.000-04:00

If any of you who might happen to read my post has told a friend that you have more than friendly feelings for him/her, I would appreciate it if you commented and let me know how it went. How long were you friends for? Was it reciprocated? How did you tell him/her? Did it work out? Not work out? Ruin the friendship? I really want to hear both sides of the tale. Any further insights or comments outside these questions would also be appreciated.

where am I now?

2004-10-21T20:46:00.000-04:00

I often think, "Who am I?" nowadays. This isn't unusual, except that considering how old I am, many probably think I should be over this.

I do so many things that seem incongruent. They all make up who I am. The positive spin on this is that I AM this conglomeration of disjointed, jagged pieces. It's exciting and dynamic. The negative spin is that I truly don't know myself. That it's taking me a really long time to figure things out. But then, maybe it's just the case that those who say they've figured themselves out are somehow disillusioned and fooling themselves.

More and more, too, I'm feeling sad. Maybe it's the weather. It gets dark so soon. It's dark when I get up and dark when I get out of work. I've taken to going to a little chapel to pray/think during part of my lunch hour. Yes, can you believe I pray? I figure most people do even if they don't know it. I think even just talking out loud, yelling at life, enjoying life can be prayer. Wow, I sound Christian. Not that there's anything wrong with it. It's just that I've met a few too many righteous fanatics that I fear that saying such a thing as "I pray" will conjure up angry thoughts.

Nonetheless, I am sad more often than not.

I long for the carefree belief in who I am. The confidence in my intelligence and expertise that I used to feel most often. I know that it left when he left, as non-progressive as that sounds. But, really, I guess, such things happen no matter which important person leaves our lives. Anyway, that whole situation threw me into a state of i-have-no-idea. I'm still there. I don't know how any of this works. The struggle to keep it together bears down on me.

I'm realizing that the other no longer even sees this. That he may not even believe me when I complain that things aren't going well. On the outside, things look great. I can see that they're great. I don't have much to complain about. But feeling lost encompasses a lot of areas and emotions.

I'm also saddened that he used to be one of my best friends. Someone who seemed to understand that there was more to me than the smile and friendliness.

Change is inevitable, I know. I just hate having to just let it all go. Why am I always letting go? Why doesn't anyone feel like they're letting me go. I feel rather dispensable. I'm indispensable when it comes to my job and what I do for others then. But outside of what I do with my brain and hands, the part that is just me seems dispensable.

He didn't stay for me. No one, except my family and a few close friends, goes the extra mile for me. I've done that for people. I'm getting sick of doing it for people who then don't seem to even remember it. Ok, guys, that is. It's tiring.

Maybe I'm just one of those people who are destined to be alone.

2004-10-11T13:26:00.000-04:00

I don't think I'm any good to anybody right now. I'm moody and want to cry. The stupid part is that I know that I've made decisions or have allowed my thoughts to weigh down on me without concrete evidence. But, as I've mentioned before, I still have powers of perception, which, though they could be wrong, have been quite accurate in the past.

As a result, I'm not happy. I hate that only his voice or e-mail can turn my mood around. I don't think that's a good thing. At the same time, letting go of this means being COMPLETELY alone in that department. Not that I think it's a bad thing, because I've been that way before. It's just that added to this is the thought that he'll go to someone else.

I think that a mistrust of anyone new that comes along has settled in me. I don't want to go out with anyone. This only means that I'm not completely over the breakup, though I'm pretty much over him. And then I just get angry. Because I hate that in an indirect way, he still has power over me. It means that it really does take an obscene amount of time to get over someone you once loved deeply.

Its effect is scary and even emotionally debilitating. I do want to drown in something dark. Like the way it feels when you're asleep. But I don't really want to be asleep because I'm not consciously feeling myself heal. In a way, I want a controlled loss of feeling.

And so, it's no wonder that he can't possibly feel the same way about me now as he did before he left. The girl he met after a year isn't the same. She's quieter, more withdrawn, and content to watch the world, actively observe it, without stating her opinion on it. She's not quite sure where she stands on a lot of things---the loss of someone before threw everything up in the air. She doesn't laugh as loudly, jump around like a child, get excited very easily, or act silly very often. She does't know what to say to him because she wants so much for everything to be the way it was---fun and easy---but there seems to be too much to say that can't be said yet. She perceives that the result is undesirable. The projection of herself rather dim. She grows quiet in crowds and isn't sure how he takes this. She thinks the thoughts in his head go something like, "God this is pretty boring. What could we do that's exciting?" And, with a lack of ideas because she no longer brings out magical ideas in him, he opens a book, confirming the thoughts she conjectured were in his head.

She longs for him to know that she understands many of his thoughts and dreams, but hasn't found the right atmosphere or tone for such a conversation. They may never get to that point where they can talk that way again. She's saddened by this. Saddened and angered by the havoc that time wreaks and by the decay of even purportedly strong bonds.

She's frustrated by the helplessness that this knowledge brings. It's a crushing knowledge---that optimism doesn't yield lasting hope, that nothing that she played a part in creating lasts forever.

The pain is really hard to bear. She tries to keep it down. To remember that she's thankful for so many things. But sometimes, giving in to the enemy's grip seems her deserved fate. A punishment, of sorts, for allowing it to get close.